Satan's Lollipops

now that i'm in loco parentis--and i do mean "loco" parent-ass--my whole schedule has changed, as have my energy levels .... the time that i used to enjoy, pulling myself together, waiting for my meds to kick in; reading e-mails; eliminating spam; erasing all the "humorous" forwarded e-mails from the legion of avid and enthusiastic readers; laboriously pursuing links that you readers have provided that were of vital importance to my psychophysiological well-being and, of course, writing incisive, insightful, and mordant editorials ..... well .....

that time is now spent crawling out of bed and across the floor, at six in the morning, bleeding and whining; trying to lift very heavy wet little boys out of their cribs; trying to pick very heavy wet little boys up to the changing table; having severely arthritic fingers fumble at very wet diapers; fuming and fumbling at my inability to dress very active little boys; make breakfast for very active little boys; feeding very active little boys; plowing through the litter and debris little boys leave as they actively strew breakfast around the dining room; herding very active little boys to the car; driving through morning assfuck traffic, brandishing a six-inch sawtooth blade at fuckheads who want to cut in front of me at the last moment; herding very active little boys across a parking lot; being actively ignored by cunt-hair perfect mothers who are dropping their stylishly dressed children off at school; stopping at the grocery store to shop for breakfast, lunch, and dinner; coming home and doing the laundry; finding the cure for cancer; rectifying global warming; attending to global worming, wherein massive doses of boticides remove all republicans from this world, bringing on the rapture, which is what we all experience when they're fucking gone and .....

oh ..... my train of thought ...... derailed .....

wooooooooooo wooooooooooooo wooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ..........

speaking of woooo woooo wooooo, this is a time in american history that will live in infamy ..... i won't waste my time or breath on the catechism of local and global depredations ..... here we are, in the new millenium, and it's just like the old boss, only fucking worse .... let's see .... we've had congress vote to censure move-on.org for running an advertisement that dared to impugn the integrity of petraeus and his "report ...." we've got a congress that won't do shit about a million dead in iraq .... we've got bush ready to veto a bill that would .... oh my god! .... tax cigarettes to provide health care for children!

well, if that isn't government interfering with the rights of children to fucking die, then what is? and perish the thought that we ...... gasp! ..... would slap a tax on cigarettes, which we know to be healthful and benificent .....

but wait! there's more .....

we've got a spate of authors and books comiing out, saying, gee .... oh golly gee winnikins .... maybe we were wrong about bush, his agenda, and his administration ..... maybe this is a creature and a junta that .... mmmm .... might not have our best interests in mind ..... well ..... actually, i knew that six years ago, they're writing, but i couldn't tell it to you then because i was making too much money out of my connection to the bush administration and now it's time to make money from my tell-all publishing ......

greenspan is the latest in the line of amoral, unscrupulous, deviant, lying, cocksucking crack whores; he takes his place right behind tenent and ......

i'm going to quote sparky the penguin, from tom tomorrow, and then we'll move on .....

"i have to hand it to you, mister greenspan ... you are a comedy mastermind .... remember when you were helping to inflate the housing bubble with historically low interest rates .... and urging people to take out adjustable rate loans? what a classic! pure comedy gold .... and what a sense of timing you have .... your punchline can last for years .... like when you urged congress to stabilize social security by raising the payroll tax ... which disproportionately impacts low and mid-level earners .... two decades after american workers began paying the higher rates you asked for .... you used the surplus they created as an argument in favor of bush's tax cuts for the wealthy ... and then, after those tax cuts led to soaring deficits, your response .... and this is priceless .... was to propose cutting social security benefits ..... and to top it off now by claiming that you were actually opposed to the tax cuts all along ..... what can i even say?

i stand in awe of your evil comedic genius, sir .....

well, i'm inspired by this interminable line of two-faced fuck-suckers, so here goes .... i'm going to confess that i, too, was wrong about bush .... i, too, misunderestimated the man ..... why, i thought he was just a cretinous, retarded baboon who would choke on a pretzel, fall of a bicycle, and fuck up every business opportunity his daddy bought him, from yale to being governer or texas, to being president of the yewnited stayuts, which he said he'd "run like a bid'ness," and that should have warned everyone ....

but now i see how i wrong i was ....

he wasn't just a cretinous, retarded baboon; he's evil incarnate, the right hand man of the Dark Lord, an Agent of Evil, and a Sucker of Satan's Lollipops .....

now can i talk about music?

we're all looking forward to my show at the lark theater, in larkspur, california, this saturday, september 29 .......

you'd better buy tickets; i think it'll be sold out ......

next: dr. pete has lunch

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PETER KAUKONEN, San Francisco Bay Area guitarist, has played, toured, and recorded with Black Kangaroo, Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship, and Johnny Winter.

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