Fill In The Blank

you know, it just is so hard to write editorials now; i started this one eight days ago and am finally thinking, i gotta finish it up and publish it, strike a blow for freedom and .... no ..... ha ha .... i'm not kidding myself but .... it's not just that i'm hard at work on a new album--see? i still call 'em albums?--it's just that i can't take "the news" any more ..... i listen to N[auseating] P[ustules] R[unning] and, before the shill can even get a full sentence out of his or her mouth, i'm shrieking "you lying fucking pussbag you're sucha shameless whore for corporate greed and repressive government policies there's not one fucking word of truth that's come out of your mouth since noah flogged the pair of hippopotamasses onto the ark good thing there's no "advertising" on your stations it's just "underwriting" from enlightened corporations like chevron who now legally enjoy more expansive rights than any mere individual does boy sure wouldn't want to shake that applecart now would you and" ......

i just can't be doing this; i've got five-year-olds in the house .....

anyway, here's where i started, over a week ago:

i see harold ford wants to run for the united states senate .... wow! do we have political dynasties here? or what! we've had the booshies and the dodds and we've had the romneys and the fords and harold's saying we need tax cuts there's an original thought from a republican and i see that a thurmond's throwing his hat into the poltical ring as well .... why doesn't the republican party fund strom thurmond's illegitimate black daughter for, say, congress? that'd constitute a reaching out, wouldn't you say? boy, wouldn't that tell the world that they were moving into the twentieth century at long last .....

speaking of shitheads and Those Who Snoffle The Bottoms of Mashed Rodents--and we were--i really had to avoid the state of the union address, and i confess that i missed obama's visit to the republican retreat, whatever the fuck that was .... i wish to god they would retreat, but i don't think i'll live long enough to see them in full rout, whipped out of this country like the mad slavering curs they are ..... i had my own ideas of what obama's visit should be like ..... i saw him striding into the marbled halls of power, holding dick cheney's severed head like a bowling ball, two fingers stuck into the eye sockets, optic jelly oozing out; thumb stuck into that mouth, the one that was fastened to satan's cock like a piglet suckling on its mommy's teat, while gore dripped and spattered the parquettry; throwing the head onto the floor our duly elected president, the one that ran on a platform of "hope"--and you know what an ephemeral platform that can be--says, listen up you assholes--and its dung-suckers like you that give assholes a bad name--here's the rule of law .... run afoul of it and this is what happens ..... for starters .....

at that point george w. is brought into the room, wearing an orange jumpsuit; his feet are shackled together, his hands are cuffed behind his back .... he stumbles as he walks .... well, he always did, didn't he? they kept telling him not to chew gum while he walked, but he never did listen very well, did he? obama says, here's the world's foremost terrorist: he's done more to destroy our country, invalidate the constitution and bill of rights, than anyone; proud of his military service, even though he went AWOL? good .... he'll be tried as a military combatant in secret; he's heading off to guantanamo right now .... he pulls a switch and sim! sim! salabim! george w. disappears in a cloud of noxious smoke, smelling of an unwashed hyena anus, leaving the hint of a shriek in the fetid air, sounds like they were filtered through a towel, soaked in water, and placed tightly over his nose and mouth .....

then obama says, here's my attorney general ..... all you cocksuckers who advocated torture, you're in the dock; we're turning you over to the war crimes commission in the hague .... see you on trial, bitch .... then he says, buy-partisan? you asswipes won't be able to rent a buy-partisan snotrag when we're done here; go home and tell your constituency that "no" doesn't constitute policy .... in fact, you'll all be indicted for terrorism: the active obstruction to and undermining of the founding fathers' principles constitutes terrorist activity and unamerican behavior: you're either with us or you're against us, you'll no longer undermine our principles in a time of war, and actions will be taken against you, your families, your dogs pigs chickens goats sheep hor-ses and anything else that walks crawls or flies on anything you own or have touched ....

i dreamt that he continued: as for fiscal responsibility, cutting taxes for the rich who already pay none isn't policy, it's suicidal insanity .... funding war profiteers constitutes sedition; only investing in the people and the programs that build america is fiscally responsible, and i'm not sitting here to take the bum rap for eight years of failed republican policies ..... and as for you so-called "democrats," the ones who wanted to barter away americans' health and trade off women's rights for a pittance in pay-off blood money, here's what i've got to say to you ..... and lieberman is dragged into the chamber, stripped of his clothing, and slowly impaled on a red hot spike before being cast into a cauldron of molten lead .....

boy, i sure have a rich fantasy life, don't i?

speaking of fantastic, i couldn't make shit like this up, the article i just read that told me haitians in need of emergency medical treatment weren't being allowed into the united states because .... no .... ha ha .... not just because they're black ..... they're being denied entrance for medical help because, well ..... they don't have insurance and who's going to pay for their treatment? boy, we sure got our priorities on straight, don't we? mmmm mmmmm mmmmmmm! "compassionate" is our middle name, "univeral health care" our middle initial ..... makes me proud to be an american; what about you?

but wait! there's more!

aren't you tired of hearing "the media" natter about how "democrats should reach across the aisle?" sure, we know that republicans usually reach out and underneath partition dividers in airport men's rooms, but here's what i'd like republicans to see in obama's hand as he "reaches out across the aisle:"

-- a hook
-- a claw
-- a fist
-- a .357
-- a .45
-- a .44 magnum
-- a hand grenade
-- the bird

i'm almost done, and then i'm going to go down to haiti and save poor dark orphans from satan's clutches by bringing them to america where they can learn to fuck their sisters and shoot doctors; might as well be shootin' doctors ..... haitians ain't insured so they ain't gonna be seein' none ..... an' sheeeeeeee-it ...... livin' in a trailer park 'n' drinkin' beer 'n' watchin' tv 'n' eatin' deep fried bacon grease is better'n what they got right now .....

meanwhile, i hear about the troubles the japanese automakers have been having .... toyota hasn't quite mastered brakes and accelerators yet, although i've got a 1987 toyota tercel that i use for carrying my mountain bike up to remote trails, and it's a magnificent automobile; you know what makes it great? you can see out of it; unlike modern automobiles which have diminuitive rear windows and miniscule slit-like rear side windows which you can't see out of unless you have eyes on stalks like a crab or individually suspended eyeballs like a chameleon today's super neat practically designed for intelligent people automobiles have to have little cameras put up their butt so the fat stupid drivers can see what they're going to run over when they put it in reverse oh shit! another bag boy in the supermarket parking lot! my bad! sooooorrrry! ......come on people this is the stupidest shit in the world and when honda talks about recalling faulty airbags for a moment i had a flash of hope that honda was going to empty out congress and the senate and shut down the newspapers and turn off the radio but ......

there's just one more thing: maybe you can explain to me how what N[asty] P[enis] R[ash] refers to as a "vibrant political movement" but i think of as infantile psychotic puling cretins (i'm talking about the "douchebag movement") is comprised of ___________ you can fill in the blank yourself who now shrill about "too much government" and "intrusive government" and "too big government" and "government spending" yet who were mute and dumb--and i say that advisedly--through eight years of a "government" that tapped our phones; opened our mail; read our e-mails; created the largest and most inefficient agency the world has ever seen--"homeland" "security;" disappeared eight billion dollars in cash, on pallettes, in iraq; dumped i don't know how many billions of dollars per week down the drain in their Illegal Immoral Unilateral Invasion Of A Sovereign Nation That Posed Us No Threat Whatsoever (IIUIOASNTPUNTW); encouraged banks and credit card companies to fleece the sheeple pink and shivering; encouraged companies like enron; chevron; goldman sachs; cut taxes on the richest .000001257 per cent while slamming the ham to an ever-dwindling middle class even as they reamed the poor before making them suck the glove--and there's plenty in this classless country--witless and ......

yes, a country threatened by the offer of health care: "no! no! please doncha fix mah teeth! no lawdy! i WANNA be fat'n'stupid'n' die of cancer! please don't interfere 'coz i'm sellin' mah double-wide so's ah kin git mah brain removed!"

now can i move to pandora?

next: honest to goodness dr. pete doesn't know what's next but he's convinced it's going to be way worse .....

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PETER KAUKONEN, San Francisco Bay Area guitarist, has played, toured, and recorded with Black Kangaroo, Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship, and Johnny Winter.

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