There's No Fuel Like An Oil Fuel

i started this back when there was that tiny little error in the gulf of mexico, when bullshit petroleum was partying down and neglected some fundamental safety considerations like "don't have a lit cigarette in your mouth when you're filling your tank" as well as neglecting to figure out what the fuck they might do other than buy up "the media" and "the congress" and "the senate" and "the president" when shit went wrong and i don't know about you but there's always shit going wrong in my life unanticipated hammerblows of mortality like last week when i was riding singletrack in tamarancho and thinking "jesus i'm riding so well this is the first time i've cleared every single switchback cleared every inch of the rock garden haven't had to put a foot down or walk my bike boy is it a lovely day" and then "POW!" i've missed a turn gone off a bridge down a creek embankment spraining my knee just before i'm to go on a two week vacation which nominally consists of, well .... bicycling ...... which i can't do now but don't you think that if you're going to stick a pipe a mile down into the sea floor that something, just some little thing might go wrong and hey, listen up, you assholes: jesus isn't a petroleum engineer so jesus isn't going to be of much help just like jesus wasn't a fuckuvalotta help in the west virginia mines which blew up because of the greed and cupidity of massey energy who knew full well that it's cheaper to buy politicians and pay off news "reporters" than it is to put in safety devices and because jobs are so hard to get in areas that subsist on a mono-economy it doesn't matter how many workers get turned into raspberry jam there's always ten lining up to take the place of any one that's toast so here we go again, how it just gets more and more difficult to write anything regularly that doesn't syrup down to "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! i can't BELIEVE the FUCKING we're GETTING and i CAN'T BELIEVE how STUPID americans are and what a Great Fucking Whore "the media" is and gosh, what and who can you believe?

in the first rosy days of disaster i heard radio "personalities" please god don't ever let me become a "radio personality" asking the rhetorical question, "so .... what is BP doing about this oil spill?" the answer was, of course, that they kicked their public relations campaigns into high gear, as wit this witless fucking headline "bp says crews make progress stemming oil leaks" which two weeks and millions of gallons of oil later, morphed into "bp sees hope for solution in capping spill in the gulf" which doesn't tell me much of anything other than the new york times has bp's dick so far down their throat and are sucking so hard on it it's a wonder they can breath or that their eyes, which are bulging out like an oil-soaked crab's eyes on its stalks, haven't just fallen off like greasy fucking marbles ....

also i'd like to point out that, because i have two five year old boys, i just happen to know what a "spill" is: a spill is something that a handful of paper towels can deal with ..... a spill is when a glass of milk or orange juice tips over on the table, runs between the table leaves, and spatters onto the floor and the rug ..... a spill is when a cereal bowl gets tipped over ..... a spill is when i'm waking up and can't quite handle a cup of coffee yet and i bump into something ...... what's happened and continues to happen unabated in the gulf of mexico is not a "spill:" it's a fucking hemorrhage; it's the kind of bleeding that occurs when you use a chainsaw to cut someone's throat and their head flies off their body ..... it's the kind of olympian non-stop vomiting that happens after an obese bloated cretinous greedy american has just pigged out on the endless buffet at the local Porky Pizza 'n' Bacon Bonanza franchise--and then gets the salmonella burger ....... because the meat packing industry can regulate itself and because meals only get tastier when they're infused with chicken feces and marinated in cattle pus .....

oh, the subterfuge, badinage, and dissembling with the english language has been epic, and "the media" has not been your friend, although they've certainly been friendly enough to B[utt] P[luggers] ...... appended here is a list of "headlines" i culled from the "news" during those first two action-filled months; after that i got tired, my attention span--like that of americans everywhere--wandered, and i found myself wondering whatever the fuck jen might be up to these days; it's like she almost dropped of the radar screen, along with other ephemerae like, say, "iraq" ...... or "deaths by greed and malfeasance in west virginia mines" ....... or afghanimastanifran, which has now become the "longest and most noble war in the pursuit of democracy for warlords and oil pipeline security for chevron as well as cheap heroin for poorer americans who will now need it more than ever since all schools, hospitals, and public parks have been shut down because republicans are now so worried about "the deficit" and it's always better to use money to kill people than to educate them when they might see how badly they're being fucked and i just can't help but remember l'il georgie bush say'n that "the taliban don' wan' wimmin ta have health care" so i guess the taliban's taken over our congress and senate which are hell bent on denying health care to women and ......

america just can't stand not to be at war with something or someone, and we're now streamlining the process by simply declaring war on people, women and their reproductive rights not being the least of it .... the self-serving cretinous asswipes who maintain that industry can police itself, that no regulations are needed, that there need be no liabilities, these are the self-serving sanctimonious cretinous evil asswipes who feel women are incapable of taking care of their own bodies ..... no, it's not a good time to not be a corporate ceo or lobbyist; it's a bad time to be a minority, which you girls most certainly are even though you comprise 52.78% of the population ...... you know things are fucked up beyond recognition and hope when i almost, almost, feel sorry for rednecks down in the gulf ...... i'm appalled at the blanket statements like "well, we don't know what's going to happen to a) our beaches; b) our fishing industry; c) our economy; d) our ___________________ just fill in the blank ....... shit, i know the answer to this, and so do you: you're fucked, you're absolutely fucked; your beaches are fucked and you can just kiss them the fuck goodbye; your fishing industry's fucked and you can say "au-fucking-revoir" to that oyster po' boy; your economy, what with the spectacular comeback from the katrina debacle featuring a flood of fat midwesterners comin' on down ta git thayselves a buncha fahn yung hookers fer mardi gras, is going right in the fucking toi-toi again ..... better get a subprime mortgage on that formaldehyde filled double wide 'n' use the cash to buy fast food burgers 'n missis gorton's fishstix 'cause as much as you like deep fried foods you ain't a-gonna like yore food coated in this kinda oil .....

classism, sexism, racism and oppression have always characterized the american zeitgeist, but it's reaching an ugly new head, like a festering chancrous pustule on the pockmarked face of a bloated pizza-sucking soft-drink-guzzling potato-chip-inhaling fast-food-scarfing turbo-glandular teenager ...... so i dun writ a new state song for arid-zone-a 'n' you kin add versus 'n' send 'em to me and i gonna put it tew mewzik 'n' send it dem as an ayunthem 'n' den i can write sumpin' 'bout okelhomo hatin' wimmin but luvin they jizzum but heers the sawng:

kill the messkans
spill they blud
leave da bodiez
in da mud
we all wan' our lawn in order
gonna shoot dem wetbax at da border
cum to our kuntry wiv outstretch' hand
leeve day bodiez in da sand
walk through the dessert
no trailer hitches
we just wanna
fuck dey bitches
oh these policies
how dey sickens
now who the fuck will
pluck our chickens?
our neo-nazis
gettin' a boner
'bout new laws in
arizona (subsitute "oke-la-homer" if you so wish")

meanwhile, here's a collection of "news" "headlines" from the last several weeks ..... i know i'm a cynic, but when the spill first happened i thought it'd be a ploy to divert our fragile and fragmented attention from the depredations of goldman sachs, which it might well have been: i've not read much of late about the unbridled greed and corruption of goldman sachs but then, for that matter, i haven't heard anything about how well we're doing in iraq or afghanistan, other than the almost casual mention of coordinated car bombings that just killed 124 people in one hot iraqi afternoon ..... anyway:

Gulf Coast Towns Brace as Huge Oil Slick Nears Marshes
is this really news?
New Technique Holds Hope for Oil Spill Cleanup
well, i can relax now; the new york times says things'll be okay!
BP Says Crews Make Progress Stemming Oil Leaks
"it's getting better all the ti-i-i-i-me/ better better ....."
Gulf Oil Spill Is Bad, but How Bad?
well, okay; its bad but it's not going to be bad bad, because BP says it'll be okay and we believe them, don't we?
Amount of Spill Could Escalate, Company Admits
oooooooooooo ...... ngngngngngng ...... reeeellly? nooooo .... tell me it's just not so!
Unable to Stanch Oil, BP Will Try to Gather It
no expense spared! no rock unturned!
Community’s Recovery Still Incomplete After Exxon Valdez Spill
really? you mean a major coporation like chevron, which we now know to be a person thanks to the supreme court, would actually drag out litigation until most of the litigants had died? and they skated paying pennies on the dollar? because corporation individual type people live a fukkuva lot longer than people who get cancer from eating oil-soaked fish? ..... surely some liberal who hates america must be making this up!
People, and Poodles, Contributing to Cleanup of Gulf
i gotta say, i loved this headline: isn't america wonderful? we're so .... so .... compassionate and cute that poodles .... poodles, for fucksake ..... are having more impact on the cleanup than BP is .....
Concerns Up and Down the Food Chain
i can hear the fisherfolk expressing concerns like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" and the oysters, too, say: ". . . . . . . . . . . ."
Giant Container to Collect Leaking Oil
and after that we're going to shove a tampon in that fucking hole ......
In Gulf of Mexico, Chemicals Under Scrutiny
they wouldn't use anything that might be harmful, would they?
BP’s Chief Sees Progress in Containing Oil Spill
the "BP making progress" headline keeps coming back; must be the only recycling they do, where they recycle their press releases .... as for the chief, he's a true visionary, capable of seeing things that no one else can see ..... that's why he makes the big bucks ....
Regulator Deferred to Oil Industry on Offshore Rig Safety
you see why gummint regerlation don't work? 'n' why a corporatin's gotta regumalate issef?
For BP, a Battle to Contain Leaks and an Image Fight, Too
sure hope their image doesn't get tarnished .... or coated with oil .....
Signs of Neanderthals Mating With Humans
i'm fascinated by this "headline," "signs of neanderthals mating with humans ....." is that news? the previous story, about regulators having sex with industry executives in the oil industry, doesn't that tell you these primitives will fuck anything? as for offspring of crude primitive atavistic subhuman creatures, look no further than your congress, your senate, your media; your "church" officials; your ..... your ..... they're everywhere, and it's not news .....
Containment Effort Inches Closer to Oil Target
but they're getting their act together! they're inching close now!
Problem for Containment Dome in Gulf Oil Spill
ooops .......
Regulator Deferred to Oil Industry on Rig Safety
Setback in Attempt to Contain the Gulf Spill
ooops .... who could'a imagined that?
For BP, a History of Spills and Safety Lapses
fuck .... i didn't know that .... really?
New Setback in Attempt to Contain Gulf Oil Spill
ooops ..... well, i never .....
Along Gulf, Many Wary of Promises After Spill
really? i can't imagine why .... this is news?
Halliburton Worked On Oil Rig Hours Before Explosion, Lawsuits Claim Company Is To Blame
boy, now there's a shocker for you ..... but they've always been, well ..... responsible before this, haven't they?
New Ways to Drill, Old Methods for Cleaning Up
the old ways are the best .....
Oil Execs Blaming Each Other For Gulf Spill
really? gosh, i never .... there's just no honor amongst thieves, is there?
Finger-Pointing, but Few Answers at Hearings on Drilling
wow, i never would'a thunk that .... indecisive hearings? gee winnikins, i'm shocked .....
Lawmakers Cite Failure of Safety Measure in Gulf Spill
wow ..... lotsa smart people in gummint, ain't they?
BP Sees Hope for Solution in Capping Spill in the Gulf
BP's back with good news!
Size of Oil Spill Underestimated, Scientists Say
ooops .... you mean ..... to tell me ..... BP might have .... misrepresented the facts?
Odd Smells in New Orleans Conjure Up Thoughts of the Gulf
wussat smell lahk fish oh babeeee!
Stocks to Watch: Gulf Cleanup May Be Opportunity
america, the land of opportunity! every cloud, a silver lining! be of good cheer! someone's going to make a lot of money off this!
‘Junk Shot’ Is Next Step for Leaking Gulf of Mexico Well
stuff the fucker with golf balls? ice cube trays? hey, about senators from alaska? and louisiana?
Independent Inquiry Into Oil Spill Is Urged
eeeeee! we get to have an investigation! like into the kennedy assassination!
Obama Vows End to ‘Cozy’ Oversight of Oil Industry
and he always keeps his promises, oh yes he does!
Latest Effort to Stop Gulf Oil Leak Hits a Snag
rilly? oooooo .... you mean ..... their rilly cool teknologdji i'n't werkin? ooooooooo ..... have they tried prayer?
Small Setback in Effort to Cap Oil in Gulf
well, at least it's a small setback; nothing that'll deter a quick and tidy cleanup of the 1,003,435,234,637,236,558,375.36 barrels of oil that are hemorrhaging out into the ocean and have been since god expressed His displeasure with homosexuals and miniature poodles by killing eleven miniature poodles and rupturing the oil pipe on april 20 which, by my rough calculations, was ten weeks ago, which translates into a lot of fucking oil but it's nothing to get concerned about because it's all under control .....
Giant Plumes of Oil Found Forming Under Gulf of Mexicoi really gotta stop here; a ten-mile long plume of oil indicates it's "worse than initially reported ...." reeeeelllly? i gotta stop ...... the leak won't stop but i will ..... meanwhile, it's occurred to me that the eradication of the middle class, the bankrupting of the country, of the world, forcing people to work long hours for next to no pay, is really a tribute to the longing, the nostalgia, the upper .0000000000095% has for the antebellum south and its genteel way of life ..... this is how we can make slavery legal!
Officials Ask BP to Assure It Will Cover Spill Claims
pretty pleeeeese ... pleeeeeeese? with shugger on it? with sweet crude on it? puh-leeeeeze?
Shell Offers Reassurances on Drilling
BP Reduces Gulf Oil Leak
Company Cites Some Progress
Fishing Ban Is Expanded as Spill’s Impact Becomes More Evident
Reliance on Oil Sands Grows Despite Risks
Gulf Oil Again Imperils Sea Turtle
Oil Spill Has Florida Worried About Hit to Tourism
you just gotta question the amerikan dreem when you can't go to disneyland .....
Fishing Ban Is Expanded as Spill’s Impact Becomes More Evident
why is the government interfering here? is it proved that eating oil is bad for you?
Arctic Drilling Proposal Advanced Amid Concern
this is okay because there's no disney world to be negatively impacted up there .... but there wouldn't be any spills 'coz the company's so careful and even if there were they can control it ....
Some Oil From Spill Reaches Current
Scientists Fault U.S. Response in Assessing Gulf Oil Spill
thank god we can blame everything on the government .....
Oil Is Fouling Wetlands, Official Says
governor bobby jindal "chastised BP for not moving quickly enough to decide on the state’s proposal to build more than 80 miles of sand berms along the coastline. “It’s past time to act,” he said." what's wrong with this man? i thought he was a republican but he's now sounding like one of those homersessal commanistic soshalists who think they can interfere with a corporation's right to do whatever it wants to do .....
Scientists Fault Lack of Studies Over Gulf Oil Spill
why is it that bp needs to "give permission" to take pictures of their colossal fuckup? oh; i didn't know it was their ocean .... this is like watching someone bludgeon a child to death with a dull hatchet, then asking them, "excuse me .... don't mean to be intrusive or impolite but .... could i look at that hatchet? the one with blood and brains all over it?"
Agency Orders Use of a Less Toxic Chemical in Gulf
let's use ... mmmm ...... tide! tide detergent! gets the ocean whiter than white!
Despite Leak, Louisiana Is Still Devoted to Oil
ah jus' luvs bein' stoopid 'n' stuff .... can we send 'em all off to betty ford? get 'em off the stuff?
As Spill Grows, Oil Soaks Delicate Marshes, Birds
Officials Visit the Gulf as Frustration on Spill Spreads
With spill impacting 150-mile stretch, government officials aren't completely confident BP knows what it's doing.
BP Kept Using Toxic Chemical in Gulf After E.P.A. Deadline
Expert Is Confident About Sealing Oil Well
Despite Moratorium, Drilling Projects Move Aheads
Inspector General Faults Minerals Management Service
Oil Hits Home, Spreading Arc of Frustration
"The Gulf of Mexico oil spill has thwarted the industry’s well-control efforts and driven government officials to impotent rage." oh .... they were "thwarted" by that pesky spill? drat it all; the industry got thwarted .... b-a-a-a-a-a-d oil spill! b-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-d oilspill!there's a first but .... wouldn't it be more truthful to say that the industry was a conglomerate of greedy incompetent cocksuckers who gave nary a whit nor a shit for human or animal life in their relentless pursuit of profit and power? that they are sociopathic liars? proven time and time again to be completely without honor and integrity? well .... maybe i'm wrong but .... that's what i'm thinking ....
Shaky Rule in Madagascar Threatens Trees
"Exploiting a political crisis, Malagasy timber barons are robbing the nation of its sylvan heritage, illegally cutting down scarce species of rosewood trees." they must be dark complected people; americans would never do anything like that, robbing a sylvan heritage, fer chrissakes .... jeeez, shame on them! waitaminnit .... rosewood? rosewood? the greatest tonewood ever for acoustic guitars? FUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK ..... how can i get me summadat?
In Standoff With Environmental Officials, BP Stays With an Oil Spill Dispersant
Expert Is Confident About Sealing Oil Well
BP Prepares for ‘Top Kill’ Procedure to Contain Spill
Panel Suggests Signs of Trouble Before Rig Explosion
BP Prepares for ‘Top Kill’ Procedure
they haven't killed enough on the bottom so now we let 'em kill everything on the top ..... why are they still "in charge?" oh ..... it's the same as the banks; they fuck everything up and then we give them money to fix what they broke because "they're the only ones that understand it ...."
BP Used Riskier Method to Seal Oil Well Before Blast
Results of ‘Top Kill’ Effort Remain Uncertain
Obama to Extend Drilling Moratorium
BP Halts ‘Top Kill’ Effort to Seal Leaking Oil Well
which was of course blocked by a republican judicial appointee owning stock in ..... the companies that caused the fuckup ....... god, it makesya prowd, don' it?
BP Resumes Work to Plug Oil Leak After Facing Setback
Nuclear Power: A Resurgence, an Opportunity
Oil Flow Is Stemmed, but Could Resume, Official Says
Responding to Spill, Obama Mixes Regret With Resolve
Estimates Suggest Spill Is Biggest in U.S. History
Shell Buys U.S. Shale Gas Assets for $4.7 Billion
Scientists Build Case for Undersea Plumes
BP Engineers Making Little Headway on Leaking Well
isn't it funny how one moment it's "spewing" and then suddenly it's just "leaking?" the real "spewing" comes from b.p.'s public relations department, which spews out lies and horseshit direct into "the media's" mouth, which--like a diligent mother bird--regurgitates the partially digested worm meat right into the mouth of the "american people ....."
Documents Show Earlier Worries About Safety of Rig
Top Kill’ Fails to Plug Leak; BP Readies Next Approach
Gulf Coast Fishermen Fear Disruption of Their Way of Life
White House Tries to Regroup as Criticism Mounts Over Leak
Hurricane Season Raises New Fears
Reforms Slow to Arrive at Drilling Agency
Cleanup Draws Critics Over Speed and Care
BP denies the existence of deep sea oil damage
BP Tries Again to Divert Oil Leak With Dome
Deep Underwater, Oil Threatens Reefs
U.S. Opens Criminal Inquiry Into Oil Spill
Latest Effort to Stop Oil Flow Hits a Snag
How Long Should BP Remain in Charge?
Oil Companies Weigh Strategies to Fend Off Tougher Regulations
Before Oil Spill, It Was Unclear Who Was in Charge of Rig
Indian Court Convicts 7 in Bhopal Disaster
Seven former employees of Union Carbide were found guilty of “death by negligence” for their roles in the disaster that killed thousands 25 years ago. i guess they don't think that corporations are people over there; ignorant savages--no wonder the customer service centers outsourced to india are so inadequate ......
Dispersal of Oil Means Cleanup to Take Years, Official Says
Rate of Oil Leak, Still Not Clear, Puts Doubt on BPdoubt BP? jesus, how can they?
New Estimates Double Rate of Oil That Flowed Into Gulf
Coast Guard Adjusts After Spill Estimate Rises
Obama Takes a Hard Line Against Leaks to Press
Estimates of Oil Flow Into Gulf Jump Higher
BP Is Pursuing Alaska Drilling Some Call Risky
Banned Trailers Return for Latest Gulf Disaster

etc. etc. etc. ..... yada yada yada ..... yak yak yak yak yak ........ excuse me; i gotta get the paper towels; there's been a spill in the dining room ......

next: dr. pete changes his oil

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PETER KAUKONEN, San Francisco Bay Area guitarist, has played, toured, and recorded with Black Kangaroo, Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship, and Johnny Winter.

1 Comment

sydney littenberg says:

bet the catholic church is delighted with the bp disaster. certainly took the spotlight on all those creeps.

Submitted by sydney littenberg on Mon, 07/14/2014 - 16:30

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you know, it just is so hard to write editorials now; i started this one eight days a...
Thursday, February 11, 2010 - 10:52
i started this back when there was that tiny little error in the gulf of mexico, when...
Wednesday, July 7, 2010 - 11:56
i know i've said this before, but i'm finding it increasingly difficult to write anyt...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010 - 11:54
honest to god, boys 'n' girls, we got more good news this week: death is america's bi...
Monday, February 22, 2010 - 10:52
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