Intelligence Failures

you know, i'm wondering why the white house didn't intervene in anna nicole's affairs, like they did with terri schiavo; both bitches were dead, and both were grabbing plenty of fine media attention, at a time when you'd want what passes for media attention focused as far away from the appalling idiocy, the staggering retardation, the grandiose ineptitude, of our duly selected offal .... i mean, officials .....

i'm seeing it right now: john boner, minority leader, holding anna nicole's corpse in his arms, saying, "i know who the father of her child is ..... it's george bush, and he's going to take this baby into the beautiful white house that's so beautiful he just can't imagine what it's like to be on a combat mission anywhere, let alone in eee-rak ......"

i've heard that our intelligence network is flickering red, just like it did before 9/11, when rice and bush et al ignored the intelligence briefing entitled "bin laden determined to strike in the united states ....." there are rumors that al quaeda is line dancing in town squares all over waziristan, bordering our friendly allies, the pakistanis .... yes, those pakistanis who enjoy a military dictatorship under our good friend musharaf, who sheltered a.q. khan, who gave away .... well, actually sold .... nucular secrets to any country or group who could pony up the bucks and who never got even remotely ... mmmmm ..... chastised or admonished for givin' 'em away ...... while we're getting ready to invade iran because they won't have a nukilar capability for another ten years ..... but the intelligence scuttlebutt is that al quaeda is going to pop a nuke in an american city, and they're going to do it soon .....

the sound you hear is my asshole, ripping divots out of my chair, and weeping for having brought children into this world ......

good thing we're in iraq, right, cheney? because you're oh so right, we're doing really well, as evidenced by the withdrawal of british troops and the tag end of the danish contingent ......

meanwhile, our republicans, in a termite frenzy, are still gnawin', gnawin', gnawin' away at the foundations of a once great nation ...... we pay lip service to labor and the right to collective bargaining, but who are we kidding, labor unions were made illegal when that marionette reagan outlawed the air traffic controller's strike ..... and now king george says that the people who screen baggage et al at airports cannot unionize ..... well, hell .... who can unionize these days? and who's left to work or join a union? i mean, what with all the outsourcing we've had, we don't manufacture anything any more, not unless it's munitions or armaments are weapons systems that we can sell to countries before we invade them ......

just like we did in iraq ......

i see the market had a rough day ..... oooooooo ..... china farted and the american market shit itself ...... china owns so much of our paper we had to use our hands to wipe ourselves ..... but our money tsar, ben bernanke said, hey, hey, hey ...... not to worry .....

gee, if he says so, you know? i'll rest easy tonight, knowing all's well with the world ..... and he's a very bright man, because then he said that if we wanted to keep all the tax cuts in place we could kiss our social programs, things like medicare and social security, goodbye, because we wouldn't be able to fund them ....

because we wouldn't have any money .....

and if anyone wanted to keep those programs in place, well ..... they'd better think about raising some taxes .... to raise some money .....

gee .... i never thought of that ..... wow! no wonder he makes the big bucks, and i sit in my fucking studio, writing stuff like this, for no fucking money at all ..... boy, i sure wish i were smart like him ...... gee, just think of it ..... you need money .... to pay for stuff .....

maybe the government could just get some of those checks from a credit card company?

it's just more of that good old republican shit ...... ooooooh, they'll say, after there's no money left in the treasury, after it's all in the spavined fucking talons of the uppity upper .03%, and all the social programs collapse .... oooooo, they'll say: see? we were right! big gummint just doesn't work! we should have privatized everything when we had the chance .... sniff ...... now there's nothing left to loot ..... boo hoo boo hooo .......

i'm told that hershey's has shut down it's hershey, pennsylvania plant, and moved to mexico .... boy, there's a fucking milestone for you .... guess we'll be havin' herchey's bacitos 'stead o' hershey's kisses, right, muchachas? ford's in the tanks and chrysler is doing so badly that mercedes wants to sell it off .... boy, am i glad we let the market level itself when us tasspayers shoveled a shitload of dollars into chrysler to keep lee iacocca afloat and keep all the ..... excuse me, i'm choking on laughter ..... all the ..... ha ha ha ha ha .... jobs in detroit ......

oh god, that's a good one!

meanwhile, we're told that the economy's doing well and ........ what's good fer halliburton's good fer the country, ya know?

boy, am i in a mood ......

my computer was down for a couple of days, and you know what? it was fucking great! no news, no e-mails, no mortgages, no penis enlargement, no dithering around in the morning looking for something that made any sense .... i'd talk to the boys and go into the studio and i didn't miss a fucking thing ..... everything i've just written i've written without any input from the world whatsoever .... how do i do it? what secrets does this man possess? who is this man? is dr. pete merely a disguise for ......

cagliostro?

next: dr. pete's column appears on the front page of the national enquirer