Get Your Growl On

Detroit, MI General Motors, always sensitive to the market demands and the needs of Americans, has launched a new advertising, promotional, and product campaign to support their wildly popular Hummer. The television campaign features a young mother who, in spite of the best efforts of the Bush Republicans to protect her from universal health care, adequate education for her children, a democratic electorate, decent wages for people of color, or terrorist attacks on Indiana petting zoos, finds herself in the midst of a threatening world. To the exultant slogan, "Get Your Girl On!" she drives her Hummer over two homeless people, a hybrid automobile, four bicyclists, and one racial mongrel of indeterminate heritage, thus celebrating the Hummer's glorious combat-bred heritage and America's own triumphant policies of pre-emptive unilateral strikes, after which she turns and smiles at her cheering toddlers in the back seat.

Capitalizing on the timely positioning of the Hummer in today's sizzling niche market, General Mortars will introduce a New and Now perfume reflecting the product line, eponymously titled "Hummer." When asked about the proportion of floral notes to citrus or musk undertones, the General Mortars spokesperson stated that, just as the Hummer vehicle transcended all bounds of good taste, decency, or the intelligence that god gave a cockroach, so, too, would the perfume: "We're blazing bold new scentsual trails here," the spokesperson stated, on conditions of anonymity. "We'd like to capture the vitality of Today's Woman and combine it with the punch of Today's Headlines ..... it's the NOW we're talking about ....."

She continued: "Hummer will combine the heady aromas of Iraqi oilfields with the subtle perfumes of third degree burns from white phosphorus and ied's, left baking in 124 degree heat ..... we think we've captured the essence of bodies, unburied for days, as a clarion pheromonic call to all good Americans who want to support the troops and fight terrorism by buying grotesquely fuel-inefficient vehicles which," she added, "have a huge profit margin for our poorly managed company" She continued: "There are subtle notes of suppurating shrapnel wounds with a harmonic thread of cordite, then added: "no longer will you have to 'get your girl on' by inserting and moistening a finger and dabbing that subtle trace of vaginal lubricant behind your ear to incite your partner to rut ..... we know what today's upscale youth market wants, and it's the smell of freedom!"

In a totally related story, behavioral psychologists unveiled studies showing today's Americans, in response to their government's intrusions into all aspects of their private lives, no longer perceive their homes as their castles, but rather view their automobiles as fortresses, which must be made to appear as foreboding, threatening, and formidable as possible."

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PETER KAUKONEN, San Francisco Bay Area guitarist, has played, toured, and recorded with Black Kangaroo, Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship, and Johnny Winter.

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