I spy .....

i never have wanted to keep my thumb on the pulse of middle america ..... now, i know you're asking: gee, doctor pete .... why is that? and .... what's the fucking point, doctor pete? get to the fucking point ......

welll ..... do i have to explain this for you? first of all, a thumb is far too indelicate an object with which to register a pulse ..... listen up now: for something as flaccid, as moribund, as senescent, as decrepit, and as fucked as middle america, you have to use your feet ..... preferably both of them, and the best place to register the beat of a cholesterol-laden shit-filled french-fry-overdosed-heart is ..... right on the fucking neck ....

but every now and then i have to tap in to where the hoi polloi are and what they're thinking, if that's the word for it and i'm not convinced it is, and it's always a revelation .... please .... don't call me elitist .... i'm a man of the peeple, and let me show you how .... let me give you case in point, and allow me to share with all you enlightened spirits out there the epiphanies that have burst, like supernovas in a constellated sky, into my obtunded consciousness ....

one of my servers is aol, a time-warner shill and blathering whore of the lowest common denominator .... it's hard to get much more rudimentary than aol ..... it's kind of like parsing the alimentary canal of a high school annelid, but ......

today's headline was something to the effect that the miss america pageant was being overhauled .....

i balance that with a day spent listening to john conyers, d.mich, holding subterranean hearings on illegal wiretaps perpetrated by king george the third and his buttboys .....

oh .... you didn't hear anything about john? or his hearings?

then you haven't heard anything about the senate renegades who are looking to draw up articles of impeachment .... god .... i'm fucking stunned! what does this say about our media?

perhaps this is because he's a democrat and, in this republican controlled democracy, is not allowed to subpoena witnesses, place their testimony into record .... let alone get a room for the hearings that isn't a broom closet ..... he's also a n*gg*r but, in the grand scheme of things, that's a minor sin, when contrasted to being a democrat, being intelligent, and having integrity .....

that integrity shit'll do ya in, every single time ......

don't go away: there is a point to all of this, and it has to do with this epiphany that burst over me, as i was sucking down my ketel one and tonic, light on the tonic (and i suggest pickled green tomatoes, okay? i mean, go with the splash of lime, and olives'll do ya ..... but a pickled green tomato? it's like a benediction, and i mean it .....) we've all heard king george the third say "the tersts .... the toursstsshsh ..... the .... the tourists ..... the TER-erishts ..... they hate our freedoms ......" and you've heard him say, "we're a whore ..... i mean, we're at wor ..... it'sh a worr on turr ..... we're at worrr with the tursshtshshsh ......" and it burst over me, like the wave that washed over me like the waves that washed over burt lancaster and deborah kerr in "from here to eternity" and i know you're too young to remember that iconic moment of soft core porn, rolling in that sand-up-your-butt-the-tide's-dragging-my-bathing-suit-out-to-sea-moment, but if you were young back then and just learning what physical pleasure meant and how you could do it to yourself and what it might be like with someone else, that was a fuckng stellar moment and i'm not making this up but i digress and allow me to resume this stellar train of thought ........ and i thought to myself, gosh, you know something? for years i've been saying that george bush is a cretinous retarded homunculus evil fuck who couldn't think his way out of a wet brown paper bag without poppy's help, or unless lon cheney came along and said hey dickhead, it's okay to get out of that paper bag, a fecal smear and a mouldy lump of clay who laughed at inmates on texas' death row before he pulled the switch and sent them off to dance with their maker in that extravagant christian compassionate all-loving beyond, who somehow lived in a reverse universe, where it didn't matter what he said or how he said it, or how ridiculous he appeared as he danced, empirically and naked, at the head of the most powerful and psychotic nation the world has ever known, who could rob this country and other countries blind and crippled and stupid and lame, who could put incompetent puppets into office, scumbags whose sense of noblesse oblige extended only as far as their checkbook and their obeisance to whatever corporation came along and tugged the drawstrings on their panties ..... and you know something?

i misunderestimaterated him .....

i done sold him short .....

the man is a jinyus ..... and here's how it works ....

see, if all those rugheads and dunecoons and radical cleriks like pat robertson only they're darker 'n' don't speak english so good although i don't think pat speaks inglish too good and as a clinishan i think he's a buttwipe with sum kind of thawt disorder, and i think hospitalizashun and a lobotomee wood he'p him an' this cuntry a lot, and surtinly our presidnet dont speek it too gud eether but it dont matter coz hees so brillyant and thos darkies who dont love our god hate our freedoms, then .... and get ready to marvel at this: what better way to win the whore on turrr .... than by .....

repealing all the freedoms in this country? little subtle things like .... spying on ever'body .... 'n' getting all the records of what they eat and watch and say and buy and think and dream and jerk off to ..... but wait! there's more! coz you can sell all those records to corprashuns and marketers and all kinds of pimps and panderers and promoters and asswipes who think less of you than the ciphers in their data base and know you're nothing more than the raw material that they can stripmine and exploit forever and ever and .... and .... and .... and then ...... there's nothing those sand niggers can hate! because we won't have any freedoms left!

and they'll pack up their camels .... and go home ..... to whatever oil well ..... or refugee camp ...... or sand dune ..... or whatever hell it is in the desert, like texas ..... that they came from .......

and we'll have won the whore on turrrrrr!

next: can doctor pete actually talk about something serious, other than the rectal penetration of lady liberty and the theft of democracy from an illiterate, illegitimate, backwater, goat-fucking populace? tune in!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PETER KAUKONEN, San Francisco Bay Area guitarist, has played, toured, and recorded with Black Kangaroo, Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship, and Johnny Winter.

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