The Eponymous Anonymous

Washington, D.C. Reports from Iraq of numerous bodies, found tied, gagged, strangled; shot, mutilated, and dumped in sewers, where they'll pollute an already hard-pressed water supply; left in trucks by the roadside, left on street corners, left hanging from lampposts that no longer get electricity; dumped off bridges, dumped off overpasses, and stacked like cordwood outside the Green Zone, are grossly exaggerated by a liberal media prone to hysteria and sensationalism, a White House spokesperson said, on condition of anonymity.

"What we're seeing are just the kind of good spirits we see here, in the Land of the Free, on Spring Break. That's what happens when Girls Go Wild, and that's what happens when you're still refining your fraternity's hazing techniques. Accidents do happen, but .... it's all in good fun."

Another spokesperson, on condition of anonymity, said "Reports that Iraq is tottering on the brink of a civil war are grossly exaggerated. When was a war ever civil?"

Another White House spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity said, "Doesn't it make you wonder, that I'm identified as a spokesperson, that I'm speaking for the White House, at the White House, which would lead you to believe the bullshit I hand you is done with their knowledge and explicit approval, and yet .... and yet .... I have to remain anonymous?"

"There's a good reason for that," the spokesperson continued, on condition of anonymity: "Doesn't it make you wonder how I can face myself in the mirror, each and every morning, put on a coat and tie, brush my hair .... all the while knowing that I'll spend the rest of the day mouthing pap and garbage that nobody in their right mind could possibly believe? Fortunately," the spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, continued, "this is America, land of the most gullible, the most incredibly naive .... my God! I don't even have a word for them! Is this what happens when you watch television? And believe the advertisements?"

"You'd think," the anonymous White House spokesperson added, "that if I .... that if we .... had the tiniest shred of human dignity .... if we had an iota of integrity .... if we .... we .... well, I think we'd purify ourselves, sit ourselves down, and commit seppuku."

"Besides," the anonymous spokesperson from the White House said, "I don't want my neighbors knowing what I do with my days. Right now they think I'm soliciting strangers in public restrooms. And lurking near schoolyards"

In an unrelated story, Republicans voted down an effort to investigate the illegal wiretapping conducted on American citizens by the Bush administration for the last four years. Pat Roberts, R. Kansas and Head of the Senate Intelligence Committee, where there clearly is no integrity, let alone intelligence, said that Republicans would pass more laws for the President to exercise his power by ignoring. "We're already breaking so many laws, we might as well add some more to the pot. You know damn well we're not going to pay any attention to 'em."

PETER KAUKONEN, San Francisco Bay Area guitarist, has played, toured, and recorded with Black Kangaroo, Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship, and Johnny Winter.

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