Shitter Patter

robert m. gates, sometimes referred to as "george's gerbil," tell us that our european allies, the ones that didn't approve of our unilateral, illegal invasion of iraq, the ones who support their troops by not sending them off to be exxon mobil's private army, "confuse iraq and afghanistan because they opposed the "war" in iraq ...." gee, how could you confuse them? we haven't been able to find osama bin laden in either place, and we seem to be .... mmmm .... okay, let's just pretend we're not getting our butts kicked, not like we did in vietnam; let's pretend that, after six years of constantly winning the "war" we're still "winning the war," but .... we'd just like someone else to pay for it, and howzabout gettin' someone else's kids to die for it, too?

moving right along, now .....

thank god mitten romney's withdrawn from "the race ...." he did so for our own good because, had he stayed in "the race," terrorists would have attacked us .... this is the same stretched logic that had him telling a reporter that his five sons were serving their country better by campaigning for their dad than going overseas to get their tiny nuts shot off in the "wars" he so vociferously supports .... besides, aren't the terrorists already in the white house?

the navy, sonar, whales, and the afghani navy ... the navy wants to make lots of noise underwater which although it seriously fucks up what lives there things like whales and dolphins and porpoises and it's like tossing an m-80 into the toilet bowl where you've put all the goldfish they're not going to fare real well but we need to do it because the taliban has one fuckuva navy, they set sale from afghanistan and the next think you no thare big boats are floating off of san diego and they're having a fire sale on opium and heroin and they're undercutting the cia's price and we need to have a level playing field so fuck the whales they're too big to hug anyway and .....

the bush budget ha ha talk about being bushed that's enough to make you laugh isn't it he's given the military more money than everyone else's military budget in the world combined which isn't like those democrats they sure like to spend money that they've raised by taxes and bush he just likes to spend money and it's a good thing too because he won't spend any money on health care or edjimacashun and it doesn't include the money he's just giving to the military and what it costs to kill people i mean spread freedom and demokrasy over there wherever it is and i don't budget myhousehold expenses like that here's how much money comes in and here's what goes out but i'm not going to include what i spend on tequila or single malt scotch or oxycontin and .....

i see that there were tornadoes down in tennessee that kilt some folk .... was this god's way of expressin' his displaysure they been votin' for huckabee? mccain? or just votin'? is gawd pissed that they set their chickuns free? why haven't i read about gawd bein' pissed at people who vote? ever' tahm there's a daysaster sum asshole preecher comes out ta say it's god doon it cuz he hayts the fags or the daymocrats or the lezbikans or rational secularism or suthin' but i ain' heerd nuthin' bout this one 'n' i think it's an opportunity god wouldn't let pass by anytime you can level a trailer park is a good time and i'll bet fema's gonna get right down there because most of 'em are whaht peeple and hower things down in n'orleens haven't herd too much about it lately although the mardi gras was a real good party time they stacked up dead bodies on the floats ha ha get it the floats and .....

i hear philip zelikow, head of the 9/11 commission, spent a lot of time chit-chattin' with karl rove while the commission was been transpayrent and finding out the truth about the truth on 9/11 .... now i'm not suggesting that there were any improprieties here, not in an investigation of a pivotal occurrence in the history of america and the world .... no, i don't think any self-serving ass-kissing lying fuckheads would ever be allowed on a commission like that, and certainly they wouldn't be allowed to chair it ... why, the next thing you know, you'd be getting a bunch of illiterate superstitious ass-eaters on the supreme court who'd be fucking with the bill of rights, the constitution, and women's rights everywhere .... ha ha .... that could never happen here but ....

i'ts been almost fiffty years since the cia i hit .... i mean, since jfk was assassinated and ..... don't you think that's enough time passing before you finally let the american sheeple in on the nitty gritty?

every week i hear that the afghanis are growing more opium than ever before and it's funding the taliban ... how many times does this need to be said? they've always grown opium, but it was our tax dollars, through USAID, that taught them how to grow opium more efficiently, that taught them how to market it more efficiently, that taught them how to hit global markets so they could take their money and buy the arms that we made so that we could sell arms to the taliban a group that was initially funded by the united states for the sole purpose of killing invaders and occupiers excuse me i meant to say "russians" and when we went in there in the first place i said oh my god i don't think we want to do that there's never been a successful occupation of afghanistan the brits tried it plenty and got their tea drinking asses whupped and then the russkis went in and 15,000 russians were killed mostly in ways too unpleasant to think about and that was a major factor in the "fall of the evil empire" they spent so much money on a futile occupation just like we're doing right now that they couldn't afford to fucking breathe and just gave up and now everything in russia's privatized and there are three trillionaires there while everyone else in the country eats bed lint, dust bunnies, and dirt and ......

hey! it's now legal for members of the baath party to work in iraq's well-oiled ... ha ha ... ha ha .... infrastructure .... you know, those guys that were thrown out of office by paul "now can i have the oil and go home seeing as i'm bringing you dusky rugheads freedom which means freedom for oil companies and other multinational corporation to take their profits out of this devastated country without paying any taxes or putting any money back into it" bremer during his forty-five incredibly effective days in office as the satrap of iraq and yes i said satrap i didn't mean jockstrap but god that man was a fucking buttwipe no wonder he rose to positions of such prominence in a regime of total buttwipes does anyone in the media see the irony of this do they even point out why the baath party was outlawed in the first place one of the incredibly great moves that secured freedom and peace and endless profits for halliburton along with the disbanding of the standing iraqi army and .....

jesus i need a fucking drink!

honey! won't you bring me that barrel of costco tequila? the one that i .... ha ha .... budgeted for?

still, we're going to be safe from terrorist mexicans who might sneak across the border with a trowel or a garden rake or leaf blower clenched in their rotting brown mexican teeth thanks to the great wall of tijuana which will be built for a massive length of thirty-five miles watch out you heathen chinese so much for the great wall of china this one'll put y'all to shame and it'l be forteen feet high and it'll be built by mexicans who'll have to go back to nuevo laredo each and every night because we don't want them beeners in this country they might vote for hillary clinton and anyway they're taking jobs away from whaht mayun i have lots of whaht mayuns who wanna babysit my chilluns and rake leefs in my yard and trim the hedj oh i forgot about fiksin my ruf which lost some tiles in the windstorm god braught down on us to show us his displasure with there even been demokrats in this kuntry and .....

what about the economic stimulus? every time i hear that i can see myself taking a cattle prod and ramming it up some banker's ass: here, you bitch .... let's stimulate your economic prostate with a couple thousand volts and .....

boy it sure is a surprise how a french trader pissed away seven billion dollars why who ever would've thought there'd ever be any malfeasance or breach of fiduciary trust in the banking world and those frogs they sure are pikers only seven billion dollars that's just nothing why americans can lose eight billion dollars in one week just leaving it on pallets in the streets of baghdad who knows where it went oh who cares who's counting anyway that's fiscal responsibility when you're a republican but not a penny for education or healthcare and you know the problem with the homeless it's that they don't have homes why don't they get a job and buy theyselves a fucking house it's the amerikan dreem why when banks compeet you win ha ha and you know banks are always compeeting they'd never rig rates would they and now more than ever is a good time to get an adjustable rate loan and buy yourself a house will re-fi for food .....

how did it happen that 19 guys, most of 'em our saudi allies, managed to fly some big planes into some big buildings but there was no warning and no indication even though the fbi had a bunch of 'em under surveillance and there'd been a presidential briefing entitled "bin laden determined to strike in the united states" which must have been some kind of code for "hold the mayo on my filafel but extra cranberry sauce please" and all of a sudden every american citizen has become a suspect of something or other i know we're all guilty of something that's because that bitch eve had to eat the apple why are we still paying for that but does that mean at&t gets to watch me perform cunilingus you thought i was a performer on guitar ha ha and now they go through your mail and listen to your phone calls and know what you take out of the library and what your porn preferences are when you surf the web because what else is the internet for other than to watch other people do it for a change and of course smell your feet when you get on a plane oh i forgot toothpaste there's a weapon of mass distraction for you that and shampoo my god how prostate and gamble's profits have gone up what with manufacturing small tubes of toothpaste and itty bitty bottles of shampoo that yew'll try and turn into nukular bombs when you slip into the lavatory to have a smoke which is really against the law and there's no toilet paper in there anyway and someone pissed on the floor or maybe in the sink any airline lavatory is a biohazard and superfund site these days because airlines aren't making enough money i think we need to level the playing field again and give 'em more money like a stimulus package bend over here it comes zap zap zap zap zap and ......

forty five billion dollars profit for exxon mobil which is 1600 dolars every second i don't think they're making enough i know they pay less in taxes than i do i think they need a superstimulus package and a rebate and ......

now can i wake up?

because there is no intelligent life here ......

next: dr. pete gets obtunded .....

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PETER KAUKONEN, San Francisco Bay Area guitarist, has played, toured, and recorded with Black Kangaroo, Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship, and Johnny Winter.

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