Back To School

i've been seriously depressed of late, but fuck that, i'm going to find the silver lining in every shit brown cloud, and i'm starting now ..... here's how it works; i'm going to start reframing everything so's that it appears in a positive light, the way americans do, like when you hear the statistics about "another 145,376 people lost their jobs this week; meanwhile, things are starting to look up and goldman sachs is announcing record bonuses so their talent does not leave them and go fuck up some other company" or "unmanned drones hit a wedding party in helmand province killing 213 people 547 of whom were women and children; inspection of the body parts showed them to be terrorists" or "the 4,276th second in command of the taliban was captured this week" and i'm starting with the recent story of professor amy bishop-anderson opening fire at the university of alabama in huntsville .....

first off, this speaks highly of female empowerment in this country; for far too long schoolyard shootings have been the eminent domain of males, with females being glaringly under-represented ..... second, this should do much to dispel the disdain with which the american sheeple hold academicians; no longer can professors be dismissed as snooty elitists or lofty intelletchals; here's a professor who shot and killed her brother eighteen years ago; here's a woman who was a suspect in an attempted mail bombing of a doctor at boston's children's hospital ..... think about it: usually our mail bombers are psychotic gay-and government hating males--isn't it about time a woman got in on the action? i mean, here we are, all concerned about whether or not a woman gets to go to school in afghanistan, where all the men carry guns; here we got a woman who's carried a gun onto campus--instead of just to a town hall meeting with the president of the united states--where she's opened fire on her colleagues!

boy, is this a great country? or what! and--in the photos i've seen of her? looks like she's sportin' a mullet! ya just cain't git more 'murkin'n thay-ut!

it just makes me proud to be an american; no longer are schoolyard slaughters the prerogative of young disenfranchised youths who listen to satanic messages when they play their i-pods backwards; mass murder can't be the sole domain of disgruntled islamic army majors or, for that matter, gruntled army majors or minors; it's about time you ladies got to packin'; you'd be amazed how fast that glass ceilin'd shatter and disappear when you've unloaded a clip of power punchin' .45's into it; slap a sawed off .12 gauge in the face of your boss during salary negotiations and see how quickly you achieve financial parity with yer male counterparts; throw down your glock on the boardroom table and see if they'll dismiss you as "shrill" or "whiny" or "too emotional ....."

and amy ain't no amy-come-lately to our time-honored tradition of schoolyard shootin's: other than fratricide she's got a long history of being a die-in-the-wool amerkan: "Dr. Bishop was charged with assault in 2002 after punching a woman in the head at an International House of Pancakes in Peabody, Mass. According to a police report, Dr. Bishop was angry that the woman had taken the last booster seat in the restaurant, which Dr. Bishop wanted for one of her children, The Globe said. It added that Dr. Bishop was sentenced to probation and that prosecutors recommended she take anger management classes, (italics mine), though it is not clear whether she did." (italics mine) ..... don't this show y'all great american values? first off, class dining .... she wasn't taking her kids to no sleazy burger joint, but to a pancake'n'waffle house where she could get 'em some nutrishun! second, you can see how focused she was on her child's welfare'n'well-bein', gettin' ready to go to the mat fer a booster seat .... 'n' finally, mentorin' her kid in the fine american art of conflict resulushun, by IIUIOASNTPUNTW! ya gotta love this wumman, you gotta luv this wumman, and i think she should get the nominashun for the nobel peace prize, where she can take her rightful place with the honorees, like henry kissinger and barrack obama and dick cheney .....

oh ..... dick wasn't nominated? well, he will be: you read it here first; stick around .....

hey, do you think she took that course in anger management? as a mental health professional, i can testify to the value of behavioral modification courses addressing things like anger and pedophilia and colonialism and racism and imperialism and ......

oh .... and i said i was going to be positive!

well ..... i hope you enjoyed our little excursion into the heart of the heartland, where every day is valentine's day! .... stay tuned! and ..... have a great visit to the college campus of your choice!

next: dr. pete drains the behavioral sink

PETER KAUKONEN, San Francisco Bay Area guitarist, has played, toured, and recorded with Black Kangaroo, Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship, and Johnny Winter.

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