Listen Carefully Because Your Options Have Changed

pooty the wonder pony and i were hanging out the other day; we'd eaten some sugar cubes and pooty, being a magic pony and all, was getting ready to braid my mane, but we started talking about the thing that's on everybody's mind and .... no, not that thing, silly--you're being perseverative and obsessive; we started talking about the economic meltdown and why we just couldn't bring ourselves to use the "N" word--you know .... n*t*on*liz*ation and pooty said something to the effect that *meric*ans were really d*mb because not only couldn't they bring themselves to call a sp*de a sp*de, there was all this rhetoric from apparatchiks and functionaries about how we needed to enact legislation that'd prevent stuff like this happening again and pooty said, you had that legislation it was the glass-steagall act until it was meticulously dismantled by republicans headed by the Great Whore phil gramm but ha ha it was buy-partisanship at its finest because clinton signed it into law and then it was nellie bar the door and all the horsies got out of the barn and now you want to close it? and then pooty went on to say isn't it odd that the wall street guys who busted everybody's balls so they could get stinky rich are entrepreneurs that drive our system but wistful wishful wannabes who bought a house on questionable credit because they thought they could roll it over and put some money in the bank are irresponsible scumbags who deserve no help or sympathy whatsoever and the wall street guys are protected by contracts guaranteeing their bone-asses which means they're not union members because union contracts with for example auto makers don't mean shit and .....

pooty's a magic pony and all, but sometimes even a magic pony can't fathom the depths of perfidy, grok the venality, encompass the impetus republicans have to sell themselves, the citizenry, and everything else that isn't nailed down with railroad spikes to those big corporations ...... but pooty reminded me of my own prescience, referring to my mid-2004 musical opus "beyond help!" which featured such predictors as "george bush suggests social security invest in stock market .... market crashes .... country bankrupt .... tom cruise has good looking wife ......" at the time people upbraided me: tom cruise isn't married, they said .... stick around, i replied; just stick around .... you'll see ......

anyway, pooty reminded me that there's a lot of confusion about the "cash for trash" initiatives the fed is suggesting, that people really don't understand what purchasing "toxic derivatives" is all about, and how badly they're being screwed--again--by the upper one percent; "dr. pete," pooty said, using one dainty hoof to pop another sugar cube; "you being a doctor and all, and having worked with seriously compromised individuals like hot tuna and all, perhaps you could help people understand what otherwise might seem to be impenetrable?"

well, it's hard to refuse a request from a wonder pony, so here goes .....

now, boys and girls, let's pay a visit to those long lost days of yore, the golden carefree days of the late 70s and early 80s when .... oh, you thought i was going to go off on john mccain and neil bush and the savings and loan debacle? but ... ha ha .... that was just pennies in a peasant's pisspot, a paltry 350 billion drilled out of the u.s. taxpayer compared to close to a trillion and counting on the current meltdown and that doesn't even wink a sphincter at the cost of the eye-rak war and there's your republican fiscal responsibility i guess we'll have to shut down some more schools and hospitals and clinics to save money and where i was really going was to the Coke Years, before cocaine ever became a problem for anybody and before the war on drugs made it so difficult to get cocaine unless you were in a prison or in a grade school and of course the war on drugs's made cocaine rilly rilly expensive so no one can afford it now i mean who afford twenty bucks a gram but back then there was lots of it and lots of people dabbled at dealing it so they'd get some and generally it'd be pretty good and then they'd dip into it a little ha ha plus they figured they could stretch it out a little ha ha so they'd have more to sell and even though it wouldn't be as good they'd make more money god they were all little fucking republicans weren't they so they got extenders things like mannitol the notorious baby laxative and everyone'd say that's why you want to poop when you take that first snort no that's not why it's because cocaine is a central nervous system stimulant and one of the first results is that the autonomic nervous system goes zero to sixty in 1.2 seconds and that includes peristalsis which jams your poops into overdrive and then outsources them and we're not even counting the reuptake cycle of serotonin and then there was inositol the corn starch derivative those shiny little spicules you'd have to grind 'em up because they'd lacerate the shit out of your nasal mucosa and before you knew it you'd have a kilo of talcum powder and ground glass and poodle dandruff without an atom of columbian instant breakfast or peruvian marching powder no nose nike anywhere but you'd still have to sell it because when it got into kilos it got serious and it wasn't funny any more and suddenly people had guns if only we'd had our good friend uncle sam he'd've said, why .... give me your tired your hungry your poor; let me take that kilo of crap'n'duff off your hands and i'll find a buyer for it somewhere out there there's some visionary that wants this stuff here that's what's being proposed now we're going to buy all the paper that no self respecting canary'd crap on and our kindly government'll see to its toxic disposal like maybe they can take it out to nevada and bury it all under harry reid maybe then he'd be good for something that toothless nattering old fuck and i guess what i'm saying is i don't do coke but if i did i sure wouldn't want to buy a kilo of inositol why would anyone buy devalued paper as an investment so it seems to me that we're being set up for another fucking, plucking, sucking and fleecing, and it's so blatant i think i'm going to poop now pooty can you clear me a space on the straw right here and ......

wouldn't it be nice if we could stimulate the economy as quickly and easily as hoovering up a huge rail?

jeez, i don't know ... it's not like i want to toot my own horn or anything beep beep honk honk but somehow i managed to figure out that there weren't any wmd's in iraq; somehow i could tell that we shouldn'ta oughtta embark on a unilateral illegal immoral invasion of a sovereign nation that'd never posed us any harm; somehow i knew that everything bush stood for or did was malignant and i'm thinking that america's been living in fear for over sixty years; are we ever going to get tired of it? if the goal of terrorists is to create terror, then the lords of wall street are right up there with osama: "if you don't give me lots and lots of money then your whole house of cards is going to come crashing down and your big screen hdtv is going to be reposessed," and the sad and sorry truth is there's no shortage of cause for anxiety, alarm and concern, what with businesses going out of business and people losing their jobs and our politicians are still not missing an opportunity to fuck with unions that might help a working stiff just a little .... focusing on "bonuses" makes for good press; politicians and the public can thrash around in a twelve-step meeting feeling-share-fest: "oooooo i'm so angry ..... eeeeee ..... do you see how angry i am? now .... watch me get really angry" but focusing on the bonuses misses the point completely, and that is these gents own our government, our government was and is complicit in promoting a culture of avarice, an ethos of greed, and a system that rewards sociopathy ..... i'm not saying that my propensity for absolutist self-righteous thinking always stands me in good stead, as evidenced by the absolute lack of current sales of "going home;" my degrees aren't in economics, but i don't need a ph.d. in economics to know that we need to nationalize the banks, clean house of all the folks involved in creating this shitpile--don't tell me there aren't any other people around smart enough to do the job; maybe we should outsource it to india ho ho ho--and .....

your call is very important to us; please stay on the line while we drink caffeine rich beverages and toss a frisbee around the office while we listen to and laugh at your shrieking in an impotent frenzy and infantile rage ....

next: dr. pooty goes to india