Late 'n Breakin'

March 07,2006 | WASHINGTON -- Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld on Tuesday rejected suggestions Iraq is engulfed in a civil war and claimed media reports have exaggerated the violence since an attack on a a revered Shiite mosque.

"I do not believe they are in a civil war today," Rumsfeld told reporters at the Pentagon. "What they're doing is having their own Mardi Gras-style celebration. They just do it a little different than those darkies down in New Orleans. The ones that are still there, that is."

He rejected the suggestion that the National Guard was mobilizing to remove the few people of color remaining in New Orleans. "We're going to need somebody to clean and things," Mr. Rumsfeld said; "And, what with the vigilantes along the U.S. and Mexican border, we don't outsource any more."

A White House spokesperson, on conditions of anonymity, said "The Iraqi people are enjoying the freedoms we've brought to them. Just like here, that includes the freedom to own rocket launchers, explosives, and automatic weapons, which are necessary for sportsmanship and the manly sport of hunting. Just think, if Vice-President Cheney had used an RPG on that quail hunt ..... there wouldn't have been any question about his being a girly-man, would there?"

In an unrelated story, the White House announced that it was appointing a commission to investigate rumors that the earth was round. "That's just a theory," a spokesperson said, on conditions of anonymity. "We like to teach the controversy."