Back In Black .... And Blue

so .... i'm back ..... back from my bicycle vacation, back in black-and-blue .... here's what i did: i rode 100 miles of singletrack in five days, with 10,000 feet of climbing at a median altitude of 5600 feet, and i lived to tell; i didn't break any bones; i didn't trash my bike; i didn't get any of the poison oak that proliferated along the trail--except where it dropped precipitously, 300 feet, to the umpqua river that frothed and foamed below, but i got my share of shins bloodied and scraped, and i did fly off the trail on one of those sheer drops: i can't remember quite what happened, but i went over the edge and thought i was fucking going to die, or worse, and jesus, thank fucking jesus, i was stopped by scrub vegetation (i was going to say "bush," but we know that prick has never done anything worthwhile), and my bike was upside down, on top of me, and i'm surprised you didn't hear me shrieking .... or my asshole snapping shut like the knell of fucking doom ..... i didn't look down, but dragged myself up and over the lipi of the trail, dragged my bike back on the trail, and rode on ..... what else can you do? below me was the umpqua, a lovely, lovely, river, a balmy 44 degrees, a welcome relief from the 90 degree weather, but believe me: i wanted to go into it gradually, wearing a bathing suit rather than a cowl of blood, shrieking "brisk! bracing! inVIGorating! FUCKING COLD!," rather than plummet one hundred and fifty feet straight down ....

and i did, full immersion in the umpqua, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ..... .it was really good!

i rode with a superb and congenial group, made up of seasoned, aggressive, skilled and repugnantly young riders who disappeared quickly, not to be seen again until it was time to sit down and do some serious beer drinikng ..... actually, some of them carried their beers with them, putting beers in their packs for the day's ride .... i never saw anyone put ice in their pack .....someone figured that the group went through 272 beers in four days, but i think this is inaccurate and under-reporting; our campsites looked like kosovo at the end of a united nations bombing run--if the u.n. had been dropping cans of budweiser .....

all things considered, it was a great trip, even if i had to confront further evidence of time's inroads; five years ago i could have kept up with these !@%#$^@#^ kids .... five years ago i was keeping up with x-terra racers--at least on downhill runs ..... perpetually humiliated, i thought of flinging myself over the edge .... or impaling myself on my tire pump .... or overdosing on geritol ..... no ..... ha ha ..... just kidding ...... it was great, but it sure wasn't effortless, like it used to be .....

is anything effortless? you tell me ......

it was nice to be away from computers and news and phones and electricity and the shrill and hystrionic pipings of america's fear brigades .... you'd think that the amerikan peeple'd all over-amp on adrenaline, the fight and flight response that's constantly stimulated, like a prostate under a probing finger; hey, you get to a conditioned pavlovian response when hear the snap, crackle and pop of the rubber glove and immediately drop into the positio of anticipatory fear .... and trembling .... you girls out there, i'm sure there's something that's similar, a procedure that leaves you feeling vulnerable and violated and penetrated, that happens regularly, that's for your own good, and i'm not just referring to paying taxes ..... but i don't know what that might be, and you can write and tell me ......

anyway, i came off the trail eight pounds lighter than when i'd started and dazed by how quickly it all had passed and, at the bed and breakfast where i decompressed, caught a headline: "anxiety and fear over ....." i didn't want to know what i had to be afraid of now, not when i'd been focused on keeping my tires from straying off an eleven-inch wide trail ..... oh, that ride held my attention, all right .....

and what happened while i was gone? while i was isolated? i'm thinking, not a lot ...... oh, did the utah miners die? let me guess: some corporate spokesperson gave a speech, absolving them of any culpability; family members are upset because .... because rescue efforts took too long; were mismanaged; because they were misinformed .... there'll be an investigation, chaired by the bureau of mines which is run by industry people ..... but hey .... i'm just guessing; tell me if i'm wrong ......

say, is anything up with brad 'n' jen? tom 'n' what's-her-name? ..... are they okay? me, i came back to find that kalevi and daniel were no longer toddlers: they'd become little boys in one short week .... that's too bad: they were much easier to care for when they couldn't get out of their cribs, when they slept all the time; pity they couldn't just be frozen in a block of lucite to preserve, for all time, the cuteness of their youth .... ha ha .... no ..... just kidding, of course ..... ha ha ...... i'm glad they're growing up so swiftly ..... because, at this rate, they're going to be taking care of me, sooner rather than later ......what they did do in my absence was, they started riding tricycles, and now everyone in the family rides ..... i've got some great pictures of the boys cutting donuts in the front driveway; if i ever figure out how to do it, i'll put 'em up for y'all to see; you'll like them: they're fine boys .......

was there something else? oh .... i remember now ..... the other thing i missed was karl rove's resignation ..... did he time it to happen while i was away? did he fear that my shrieking and hooting would trigger seismic events? that hollering and bellowing might cause more mine cave ins? that would cause hurricanes? poor airline service and delayed flights?

i just heard how this was the worst year that airlines had ever had in terms of cancelled flights, delayed flights; missed connections; airplanes stranded on runways without food, water, toilets, or air; people imprisoned on runways for endless hours, denied egress, held incommunicado .... just like gauntanamo ...... i heard that this was because 911 had caused fear and trembling amongst the airlines because people were reluctant to fly and the government came in and helped a free market economy find its own level by throwing away billions of your taxed dollars .... ha ha ..... surprise! surprise! ..... but now the airlines are profitable because they fired thirty percent of their workforce and they're flying smaller planes which are always full they clutter up the traffic lanes and it's all because of, or so i'm told by an industry spokesperson, it's all because they're giving "the people" what "the people" want, and i guess what the peeple wont is shit flights with no space and no food; the peepole want to arrive late and miss their connections; what the peephole want is delayed flights; is overbooked flights; is lost luggage; is to be treated with contempt and like shit and that's what i want when i get on a plane, especially with young boys, and i'm bettin' you feel the same way and are glad that the industry knows what it is you want so much and has gone to such great pains to give it to you ....

i think that my little sabbatical has about cured me of having to "stay abreast of the 'news'" ....... because--and i'm not claiming to be nostradamus or anything--i know exactly what kind of contaminated unpalatable indigestible toxic turd kibble's going to appear on my plate ..... jesus, n(ational) p(entagon) r(atshit) came on today with 'news' that "american troops and afghan police are cracking down on the taliban ...." i'm sorry, you wilted fucksticks: it's now six years after we invaded afghanistan, after we let osama yo mama slip-slide away, after we freed their veiled women, emancipated their goats, brought democratic elections to the livestock, taught them how to maximize their opium crops .... no, sorry: that was in the 80s, when the russians were the occupiers, when the russians were getting their butts kicked ..... just like the brits before them .... and we're still "cracking down" on the group that we so assiduously created ......

i heard about jenrill petraeus and the report that's to come out on september 15th to tell you how the surge is going although i'll bet you think you know how it's going but i think you'd be wrong because it's doing really really well and the iraqis are feeling a whole lot better about themselves and about us because of the surge and because it's so successful we would never even think of pulling out our troops just like after you've been doing some assfucking and you're all limp and stinky and strange juices are clogging your crotch and matting your hairs and you don't quite want to get your hands down there or your fingers in it unless you've got some latex surgical gloves and a vat of clorox but you don't want to pull out because everything's working really really well and you want to support the troops who'll be there at least until the next election at which point it'll become the democrats hot potato and that's the way karl rove'd want it and i know he says he wants to spend more time with his family but i can't imagine what kind of woman'd spread for that fucking carcinogenic clump of poorly congregated cells and i didn't know that reptiles or insects ever felt that way about family and i can't see cockroaches sitting around the pool getting warm and fuzzy with each other and brown recluse spiders don't do group hugs and i can't believe that our "press" is so accepting of patent fucking horseshit and blatant lies even though i know that's their job because that's what they're paid to do and how about you mr. and mrs. america perhaps you should go watch some more tv i think we're up to an average of eight hours per day per person and when september 15th finally rolls around and it's only three weeks away then petraeus 'n' bush'll tell us all to go fuck ourselves it's classified but it's working well so enjoy your fucking hair and i think i'm going to go for a bike ride ....

and this time i'll ride right off the edge ......

no .... ha ha .... actually i'll be sitting down to practice for the upcoming "peter kaukonen, michael lindner and friends" concert at the lark theater in larkspur, california, on september 29th ..... we'll have some very special guests and a very interesting show; come on down if you're around ......

next: dr. pete changes his mind ......