Dr. Peter's Only Farts Club Band

i don't watch tv or follow sports, so i don't know about and could give less than a shit about whoever it is that was (no .... hey .... i know it was michael vicks, quarterback for the atlanta falcons who, as he was being sentenced, sniffled "i need to grow up ..... i'd like to hear our politicians say that, but i'd like to see them busted first) just busted for running dog fights and killing dogs that didn't perform up to snuff .... ha ha .... snuff ..... snuff ..... oh, magic words of snuff snuff snuffles, make me throw up all my truffles .....

dress them all in shirts with ruffles
put their bodies into duffles
and throw the fuckers into the river, won't you?

i think he said something about how he loved animals and that's why he had to hang them, or throw them into a river .... i think the same logic holds true for our fearless leaders, who loudly proclaim how much they "love life," or how much they "support the troops ...." but i can dig it; you can't have the sweet without the sour, and the neat thing about loving life, or supporting the troops is, you got lots and lots of people you get to kill .....

whooooo-fucking-peeeeeeeeeee!

now .... maybe we can get an endorsement from purina puppy chow, "the dog food that tastes of blood and flesh so your dog is eatin' mean even when he ain't fightin'!"

i don't pay much attention to "news"papers either ..... why, my local paper gave extensive coverage to the death of three dogs a few weeks ago--they were poisoned by party or parties unknown, although i suspect karl rove and fredo gonzales--that saturated the masthead for days .... and then, of course, there was the china formaldehyed pet food debacle, which caused the deaths of fluffy, rex, king, spot, and cottontail .....

ooooooo, there's some fucking values for you ..... let's see ...... i don't know how many dead and dying in iraq, but who gives a shit, you know? not when muffy's in peril .... jesus ..... dog fight debacle .... right to life .... culture of life ...... you can draw the obvious, you don't need me to say, fuck all y'all; six dogs get whacked and it bunches your knickers; one million assfucked and dead in iraq and who gives a fuck?

oh .... support the troops, okay?

ha ha .... ha ha ......

i'm just thrilled that drug-taking bicyclists are going to get their comeuppance .... no, seriously--a few bad apples, spoiling the sport for everyone! thank goodness steroid or drug use or doping isn't a problem in any other sport .... why, i know those big hunks of beef who do so much fanny-patting on the football field, achieved their size through a healthy diet and lots of exercise .... and wrestlers? just clean livin' and a fondness for broccoli .... ha ha .....

jesus, if i could dope my blood to bicycle better, i would .... and the fact remains, it doesn't matter what you take: you still have to pedal up the hills .... no one and no drug'll do it for you .....

i overheard some neocon commentator on npr talking about "authenticity" in politics .... oooo, that's what americans like, all right .... and we sure are experts on being authentic .... look what kind of track record we have: ronald reagan; george bush; tom cruise; milli vanilli; the wall street journal; the iraq invasion; the hummer; budweiser ......
'
what a bunch of assholes .....

speaking of assholes, howzabout that alberto v05, king george's cumrag? last week rove, this week gonzo .... i can't say that the rats are leaving a sinking ship; all rats of conscience killed themselves a while back, eating double-sized portions of warfarin before committing seppuku with a chain saw ..... and it's hard to believe "the press" on this one: n(ational) p(rickhead) r(abid) featured two commentators: one was a nazi, the other a neo-nazi .... both seemed to indicate that gonzales was a great guy, just doing his job, slammed by history and unconscionable left-wing-radical-liberals-who-hate-life-unlike-republicans-who-love-life-especially-if-it-has-a-collar-on-it-so-it-can-be-dragged-behind-a-large-fuel-inefficient-car-and especially-if-it's-life-that-god-turned-into-a-major-corporation-before-he-rested-on-the-seventh-day-and-fetuses-are-really-likeable-too-because-you-don't-have-to-do-anything-for-them-or-with-them-just-keep-your-bitch-on-a-leash .......

why i just heard another n(0) p(enis) r(adio) reporter ask a southern republican, what kind of person should bush appoint to the justic department now?

oh, he replahd, somewun thayut got some essperiense with justayus depahtments and big organizayshuns 'n' somewun who cayun bring bayuck some craydibilitee to the depahtment and i thought::

hey, asshole: how about someone who's competent?

oh ..... silly me ..... bush doesn't know anyone who's competent .....

jesus h. fuck ......

but wait!

there's more!

here's a quote from the knee jerk crimes:

"When Rep. Jan Schakowsky made her first trip to Iraq this month, the outspoken antiwar liberal resolved to keep her opinions to herself. "I would listen and learn," she decided.
At times that proved a challenge, as when Deputy Prime Minister Barham Salih told her congressional delegation, "There's not going to be political reconciliation by this September; there's not going to be political reconciliation by next September." Schakowsky gulped -- wasn't that the whole idea of President Bush's troop increase, to buy time for that political progress?

But the real test came over a lunch with Gen. David H. Petraeus, who used charts and a laser pointer to show how security conditions were gradually improving -- evidence, he argued, that the troop increase is doing some good. [ooooooo ..... i can feel that aerated blood rushin' to mah thorax ..... a laser pointer! fuck! we're so high tech those fuckin' terrorists don't stand a chayunce, do they? look out, you islamo-fascist rughead reprobates: i'm takin' this laser 'n' these charts 'n' i'm gonna show you some fucking shock and AWE!}

Still, the U.S. commander cautioned, it could take another decade [emphasis mine .... ha ha .... mine mine mine mine mine ......] before real stability [emphasis mine, goddam it; mine mine mine mine mine] is at hand. Schakowsky gasped. "I come from an environment where people talk nine to 10 months," she said, referring to the time frame for withdrawal that many Democrats are advocating. "And there he was, talking nine to 10 years."

where do these people come from, i just don't know .... look, i'm not privy to "state secrets," but somehow, in some mysterious fashion, i knew that all the pre-and sub-texts for our unilateral illegal invasion of a sovereign nation were confabulated out of gossamer horse-doodie, and you did, too ..... there were lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of us who had that sussed out, but somehow our media and our press and our politicians and our strategists and planners and highly paid fuckheads didn't know this? i don't get debriefed by the high fucky-fucks at the pentagon .... but ..... i know that we're not leaving iraq, not for years and years and years and years and years and years and years ..... haven't i been saying that?

i don't want to say, hey JAN ..... why aren't you reading dr. pete? he'll set you straight!

so ...... why is jan shitkowsky surprised? what planet does she live on?

why am i asking you these questions?

this is the very sort of puppy pule i thought i'd cured myself of while clenching my sphincter in fear, high above the umpqua river ..... i don't need to read this disingenuous garbage; i don't need to read about our naif politicians; i know "what it is" and you should too ..... i'm not sure where to take this, or where to go with it ..... i wanted to talk about music; perhaps i will, an editorial inspired by driving three hundred miles while listening to the beatles' "sergeant pepper ....."

and a few paragraphs about my upcoming show, with michael lindner and more, at the lark theater on september 29th .......

next: dr. pete's lonely hearts club band