Dead Diary

gosh, what an exciting week, dear diary! why, i've heard that there's a debate going on in congress--or is it the senate?--where our duly purchased representatives are falling all over themselves to give our wonderful president, that handsome, dashing, decisive man! bold new powers to take war to wherever it needs to be taken, which is wherever he feels like it, which is wherever god, that masculine, autocratic, monotheistic bearded antisocial deity tells him, without the inconvenience (let alone the breach of national security by alerting terrorists like liberals who hate our freedoms!) of having to declare war!

isn't that brilliant? to legitimatize what's already a fait accompli, in that the united states, while having fought in forty-seven different armed conflicts since the end of the second world war, which was the second War To End All Wars, hasn't declared war, an action that should be authorized by congress the, since december 9, 1941 .......

oh, dear diary! i get so excited, my panties are just sopping!

but wait! there's more!

spring is breaking out all over, and my phone has just been ringing off the hook, i'm so popular! sure, they're automated phone messages from democratic candidates, puckering up to suck cock and lick butt for the june elections, but i just get giddy with the attention, and i can feel the aerated blood rushing to my thorax in an effervescent swirl when i hear that mechanical voice go, "hello ..... i'm melvin schturdley, and i'm a spineless simpering twit and i'd like your vote because i ......."

you know, dear diary, there is one message i would like to hear from this crop of democrats; there is one message i'd actually listen to; there's one thing these ass-suckers could say that would keep me from hurling my phone across the room and playing carom shots off the wall, and it would go something like this:

"hello, i'm melvin schturdley, and i'm a democratic candidate for dog catcher ..... you know, i'm running against william mcwombat, but it doesn't matter whether you vote for me or for william, because there's one thing that we, as democrats agree on, and that is that george bush is an evil homunculus scumbag who should first be impeached and then brought to trial in the hague on charges of war crimes and crimes against humanity ..... thank you, thank you for voting, and god bless america!"

and now, dear diary, it's time to make some predictions!

there's so much exciting drivel written about tony snow, and how he's got a mind of his own because he said the president wasn't conservative enough, or didn't laugh long enough at karla faye tucker's distress when he didn't commute her death sentence, or how there are still some schools open because the president hasn't cut all the funding, or the upper one percent still pays tax when they make purchases, which snow feels should be abolished, and the press is just besides themselves, saying, isn't that wonderful? the president can tolerate dissent!

blow me, you simpering fuckholes ..... here we go again, another snow job, another hand job, and they're going for it ..... ooooooh, more media image manipulation for the president .....

now, the press is also getting very excited over whether or not we're going to murder another nutjob, zacharias moussouai ..... will he be given the death penalty? does a bear shit in the woods? is the pope a neo-nazi? fuck yes, we'll give him the fucking death penalty! let me count the ways: first, he's mentally ill, and we don't want those fuckheads running around, unless we put them in the white house and they can kill lots of people while we pick up the tab and the pieces .... second, he's dark-complected and, now that rope costs so much and lynching's become unfashionable and impractical, what with the "healthy forest initiate" and clear-cutting of all the trees in america, it's The Big Needle for zach ..... plus, the prosecutor, an avatar of good taste and decorum, played recordings of 911 calls on 9/11 .....

what better way to present impartial evidence?

here's what i'd like to see: i'd like to see the prosecutor at the enron/ken lay trial, i'd like to see him playing recordings of phone calls from the 20,000 enron employees who had their life savings flushed down the toilet when lay and skilling tanked enron; i'd like him to read the suicide notes of people whose retirements had just evaporated into republican greed; i'd like to hear the phone conversations from those energy brokers who were rectally penetrating california, their jocular comments about how "grandmother'd really pay for those kilowatt hours," about how much fun they were having holding the west coast to ransom ......
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and here's another prediction: ken lay'll walk ..... nothing's gonna happen to kenny boy, because he "worked hard" and "lived the american dream" and now it's become "the american nightmare ....."

come over here, you fat slug bitch; i've got your fucking nightmare, right here ......

let me make some more predictions: karl rove's going to walk, too .....

but wait! there's more!

every year we have the "let's-investigate'the-oil-companies-and-see-if-they're-charging-the-american-public-too-much-at-the-pump" maypole dance, and it's that time again ..... what do you think the answer is going to be? do you think the oil companies are fucking you in the ass? oh, you do? do you think that any government investigation will arrive at the same conclusion? oh? you don't? do you think the american public, that self-same public that insists on buying cathedrally large and grotesquely ugly cars that get less than sixteen miles to the gallon, and doesn't lynch a government that refuses to bring a coherent renewable energy policy to the fore, do you think they have any legimate reason to gripe?

mmmmmmmm .......

it's the "flavor-of-the-week,"headline, but it doesn't matter what the week is, because it's always the same old flavor: bullshit .....

i'll give you another example, then i'll change the tires on my road bike and take advantage of a new shoulder and a beautiful spring day, one that's snuck between the cracks of global climate change: we have the same kind of "ooooooo, it's time to get scared again" headlines on drugs, and they're always "flavor of the month ...." you see things like "amphetamine use surges ..... lsd use surges in teenagers .... marijuana use climbs ..... yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka ..... white kids are doing it, so it's an epidemic; when black kids do it, it's urban renewal ....."

you know full well that amphetamine use has been with us since the army introduced it to soldiers to keep them awake, alert, psychotic, paranoid, and vicious .... truckdrivers and students like 'em, too, and they've never gone out of fashion with your trailer park set ..... you don't hear about crack use going down, you only read about drug usage going up, and you can count on it being that rich old chocolatey nuggety nougat flavor-of-the-month and i can't fucking take it anymore, so i'm taking these road aspirins right now and i'm going for a ride ....

next: dr. pete changes his tires