All The News That's Shit We Print

i'm naive, and i don't understand the why or the wherefore of such things, let alone their allure and the compulsion, but ..... the comment section of my editorials gets saturated with mass e-mailings that have headlines like "teenage rape" or "lesbian teenage rape" or "teenage lesbian rape"....

why? what the fuck is it with this country? wake up, asshole america .... if you didn't already know it from your obsession with teenage pregnancies and unwed teenage mothers, who clearly are to blame for the decrement of moral fortitude in the country, and if your fucking obsession with young girls' vaginas didn't mandate your denying young people sex education--which includes information about and access to contraceptives--then you can just take it from me: yes, it's true: teenagers fuck .... i did, and i wanted to long before i did ..... the girls i was fucking, they were teenagers too, and they liked fucking, as much if not more than i did ......

hey, america ..... here's a a wild concept for you .... i can just imagine how hard you're getting off, sending those e-mails in huge anonymous mailings ..... but ..... here's some news for you: did you know that you can find movies and videos and tapes .... of people fucking? no .... really .... i'm not making this up ..... gosh, i'm sure it'll come as a surprise to you, but ..... watching other people fuck--and i'm not talking about congress or the senate or that gibbering fucking ape in the white house fucking the country and the world in the ass--is big fucking business! why, they buy 'em and watch 'em in kansas and south carolina and in south dakota where they'd like to outlaw abortions so they can have more ignorant teenagers to fuck with .....

oh, fucking: it's a growth industry, all right, right up there with prisons and war profiteering ......

and, hey .... here's a prediction: i'll bet that soon someone's going to figure out how to put teenage pussies on the internet ..... and i'll bet that being a "teenager" who'll show her pussy'll last a girl through her twenties and thirties and well into her forties and beyond ..... yes, girls, show the world your beaver and you'll stay young forever! mark my words, wait and see ..... and remember, dr. pete told you so ......

speaking of news, i've rejoined a gym to get back into biking shape and, while doing the stationary bike i (remember now, i haven't had a television for over twenty years) marvelled at the seven large screens going berserk overhead, while every stationary bike, every treadmill, every bouncing little leg and footwhomper had its own tiny screen .... and cnn spent--by actual count--twenty-five minutes on "the myspace teen who went off to fuck some rughead in jordan," while, on msnbcqurztxuvwxy-zzzzzzzz, cher--yes, that cher--was on for over a fucking hour with something called "cher's mission ....."

what the fuck is cher's mission? and does anyone give a fuck? does that bitch have to pay someone to suck dick for her? she's had so much surgery she can't move her fucking lips .....

the point of all of this, and i know you're wondering: doctor pete .... what is the fucking point? get to the fucking point .....

the point is, that fucking media .... god help us! if we're this fucking stupid (and we are, obviously) and we are so obsessed with teenage sexual activity and cher's madame tussaud face, how would we ever get media time or attention to give a shit about, for example, the environment? about water that's undrinkable? about land that's unfarmable? about food that's inedible? about corporate profits that are unhinging, paid for by our health and our well-being and why the fuck am i even telling you this?

you are one of the Silent Majority .......

let me just add this, and then maybe, just maybe, i can talk about upcoming tours ...... mmmmm ...... where to start ..... oh, i remember: the liberal media, that fucking liberal media .....

not too long ago i was listening to a n(ational) p(entagon) r(adio) interview with greg palast ..... if you don't know greg, you should ..... he's an american journalist of great integrity and resource who cannot, of course, get his articles published in this country, so he works for the bbc .... but he writes books, including "the best democracy that money can buy," and in this interview he was talking about republican electoral theft and republicans purging voter roles and republicans intimidating black voters and republicans hiding democratic ballots and the interviewer kept saying things like, "surely you don't believe that" or "there you go again" or "is this another conspiracy theory?"

greg was much more composed than i was; i'm surprised you couldn't hear me shrieking "you fucking stup ....."

oh, hell .... you know what i was shrieking, and it went on long after i'd thrown the radio out the bedroom window and into the birdbath, where it interrupted two very wet and happy robins ....

then this morning, again on n(ational) p(entagon) r(adio) i heard two gentlemen who were npr functionaries, but whose functions i didn't quite catch, talking about terri gross' interview with bill o'reilly .... you know, the one where he stormed out of the studio? because that 5'1" nasty bitch hellcat was badgering that big, bad 6'4" hunk of he-man so badly that he had to run for cover? because he can dish it out? but can't take it? unless it's with a loofah? you know what i'm talking about? and one of these functionaries said something about terri really going on the offensive and pushing poor bill really, really hard ......

and i thought, gosh, am i missing something? this is the cretinous homunculus fuck that screamed "shut up! shut up!" at a man who lost his father in the twin towers, but wouldn't toe the o'reilly party line .... and national public radio is saying that terri gross was "offensive?"

oh, okay .... i'll stop, but first let me say, o'reilly is a guy who's sucked satan's cock for so long he's like a lamb collop on a skewer, and the barbed scaly tip has extruded past his rectum down to his knobby knees ......

fuck ..... all i wanted to do was tell you my tour schedule, in august, on the east coast ..... but i'm too distraught and it'll have to wait 'til the meds kick in ......

i hope i get some more rape e-mails ..... i can't wait until another teen goes missing ..... gosh, maybe, just maybe ..... she'll take her pussy with her ......

next: dr. pete chokes on his ire .......