Are The Voices In My Head Bothering You?

i was esconced at the sink, looking over my freshly picked roses at the headlands beyond, and washing baby bottles, when ..... well, when i heard a voice .......

dr. pete, the voice said; it's time i came down and talked to someone so that i could set the record straight ....

well, i'm rarely at a loss for words and, after years of clinical experience, as well as playing with hot tuna, i'm used to delusions, contusions, and confusions, but even so i was startled. ..... nay, alarmed, even ..... jesus h. christ, i shouted ..... what the fuck!

you're close, the voice replied, but you can cut out the middleman .... no need to invoke jesus, when you can speak directly to ....... Me .........

my god! i thought .....

yes? the voice replied .....

i said, do you know what this means?

it means, i said, that i'll actually have to use caps when i write this editorial, and that's going to be godda .... i mean, Darn Hard ....... but i quickly gathered the few wits i have left, and said, oh lord ..... what are you doing here, in my kitchen?

the voice replied .... i've been busy, you know ..... i've got to watch sparrows and raindrops fall, although, what with global warming and drought i've got a little more time to keep an eye on all of those who are masturbating .... and, he hissed, you know who you are ..... still, that doesn't leave me much latitude or free time; i've got a timeshare languishing in aspen, right next to one of ken lay's houses, that i haven't seen in god knows when .....

why, he expatiated, in universes that are infinite, in galaxies immeasurable, with countless numbers of habitable planets that have been in existence since before time was a twinkling in my eye, i've saved my Most Special 'Tention to keep an eye on the Earth, a planet i made just twelve thousand years ago .... god, was that ever a rush job, he mused, sotto voce ..... sloppy quality control, lots of sand in the concrete .....

then he continued ...... talk about rush jobs ..... it's not just the plant earth, but my very most favoritest of all possible peoples ever to walk the surface, my very special most chosen people of all time ..... the americans ...... oh, white ones, to be sure, and most 'specially the male white ones ...... i had to wait until 1776, he said, before there were americans ..... god, that was a long wait!

i didn't want to mention "dinosaurs," because i didn't want to entertain the notion that god would be a practical joker, and spend much of His time confabulating bones and fossils with which he'd salt the earth to spread confusion amongst scientists, non-believers, and other educated and intelligent people ..... why, the thought that god would wait, not just twelve thousand years, but wait until america had stolen land from its neighbors, murdered its original inhabitants, dumped its first king george and designed its flag, to declare its inhabitants as his Chosen Race was ..... well ....... it ....... i ......... and then, what could i say about Chosen People, knowing that the israelites believe they are and .....

well, just about most everybody thinks they're the most special and chosen of all .........

i swabbed out another baby bottle while pondering the implications ......

were you by any chance, i asked, smoking some of that wacky terbacky that you planted on the face of Your green earth?

well, he replied, i've been known to take a puff or two ..... don't believe me? just take a look at a wombat ..... but in this instance? don't tell anyone, he implored .... i wouldn't want any republicans to get the idea that i might make something that'd be enjoyable, non-injurious, have medicinal benefits, and be non-taxable and ...... out of the reach of the pharmaceutical industry ......

well, i said, i'm thrilled that you're speaking to me, but ..... why me? because i know how many of my psychotic and retarded clients you spoke to on a regular basis, not to mention our president ......

well, the voice replied, i do speak those who are ..... mmmmm ...... most speshully abled, but it's not like they get it straight ..... it's kind of like my word in the bible, he continued; it lost something in the translations, probably due to problems with the software ..... and, he continued, if no one's listening in, who's to make sure you're getting the straight scoop? actually, he mused, they are listening in ..... the nsa is tapping this conversation, even as we speak ..... but, he went on, i'll come and visit you in guantanamo ......

i was vastly reassured ...... what, i asked, with all the peoples and all the countries and all the nations throughout time which is, granted, but a twinkle in your eye .... i mean, twelve thousand years? it's just a drop of water under the bridge, right? but .... why america?

that's a good question, he said, putting in a plug for what is probably my best-known and most beloved instrumental composition, which is available by download through the "black kangaroo" page of the order section ...... i really do like your military ..... they're the ones i bless when y'all go out to fight and slaughter each other ..... sure, you're all my children (where's the fucking mother, i wanted to ask ..... what the fuck would she have to say about all this?), but you know how it is ...... you end up favoring some at the expense of others ..... american troops have the neatest uniforms, even though they don't have body armour, clean water, food, ammunition, health care, qualified leadership, retirement benefits other than a cheap coffin, or any disability benefits if they live long enough to return home and find that their jobs have been outsourced, their wives are balling someone else, and their kids are smoking heroin imported from afghanistan, why .... they're my favorite killers ..... also, he continued, i'm a nascar fan ..... nascar, he mused ..... it's kind of like a parable for american foreign policy, or what there is of it: immensely overpowered vehicles, going round and round and round in a circle ..... and i love the crashes, don't you?

god help us, i thought .... he's a ..... a ...... nascar fan!

i put the last a bottle in the rack to drain and dry, and turned my attention to the nipples, floating in the sink ..... god, you must be lonely, i said, but you sure won't be lonely long ..... i mean, what with this wholesale slaughter, mayhem, genocide, ethnicide, and republican mass murder ..... not to mention who the fuck all in africa or in lebanon or in palestine or in gaza or ..... i'm assuming that you collect the souls of the dearly departed? and they congregate about your right hand? so that they might sing your praises? and adore you?

that would get a little crowded, he replied ..... no, you know i'm only collecting 144,000 souls when it's time to do that inverse skydiving ..... oh, they're all americans, of course; i wouldn't have it any other way ..... as for everyone else? they'll just rest in peace ...... and, what with all this bombing going on, in pieces .....

i'm confused, i said ..... all this .... this ..... this ..... i stopped, one of those rare moments that finds me, totally dumbfounded, as i am every time i think that the republicans, out of their limitless respect for the american sheeple, have fielded such great minds and paragons of virtue as ronald reagan ...... dan quayle ...... richard nixon and .... spiro agnew ..... gerald ford and ...... oh my god ..... the bushes .... the .... the ....

did you know that vomit can clog nipples? and they have to be cleaned again?

but, i said, what about love? and peace? and .... and ..... and .....

well, you know, he replied ..... i've slipped in a plug for "that's a good question," so let me just quote a timeless line from that prescient masterpiece "billy's tune," which is also available by download from the black kangaroo order page of this website, and which you'll incorporate into your stellar renditions of music written for power trios and stacks and stacks of hiwatts but which you'll now play, with jefferson starship in new york from august 11 to august 15, on acoustic guitar ..... god knows how .....

"there's nothing as peaceful as a dead man ..... he never give NObody no trouble ....."

next: dr. pete takes dictation