Virgin Birth and Other Faith Based Initiatives

gee, it seems like only yesterday i was biking down highway one with my wife on her birthday; a forty-five mile ride with no cars, on a beautiful day, and now i'm back in the real word of the dummercratics, the repulicunz, war, and i've been on an endless hold to speak with the website provider that disappeared my site for a week and now has me on hold yet again because .... well ..... they're not liable for anything .....

corporate responsibility at its finest .....

just like the responsiveness of our demerkratik gummint ..... didn't we just have an election three months ago? didn't we see the 'murkin peeple voice their distaste with the republikunts and the minnerstration and the "war" in "iraq" which came out to be about 71% of america which i think is a little more than the stolen 51% that gave little george the "political capitol" he was going to "spend" and how about the new budget of big blank checks for the pentagon because they've done such a good job of waging war on our tax base and our schools and our hospitals and most of their funding is black bag and comes from "supplemental" requests and your kids are going to love it, the kids are going to love it ......

and so are their kids ....

and their kidses kids ......

geeeze, i'm in a mood ......

our little demerkratz, with their "non-binding resolutions" ...... jesus ..... hey, BITCH! i've got something for you to bind ..... bind this ...... you fucking scumbags ...... what is it like to be so .... so ..... balless? so invertebrate? so .... so ..... coelenteratic? is that a word? is this an electoral democracy? is this another fourth-rate third-world banana republic? with its little tin horn demogogue who likes to play dress up and soldier?

you know, it makes a young man's fancy turn to mary cheney ..... you know mary cheney? the carpet munching daughter of our vice-president? she's going to have a baby, and she says that it's a "blessing from god ...."

jeez, i don't know .... i mean, i've got two two-year-olds right here, and i've never thought of them as blessings, and i never thought that god had anything to do with them...... i was going to go off on a toot about god jerking off in mary's lap, about the second virgin birth, about god putting on rubber gloves and, with a divine turkey baster, shooting his semen up into her womb; about mary following the homosexual agenda which we know leads to having sex with dogs, and mary fellating schnauzers and taking it doggy style from a bichon frise as a rottweiler gives her the bone ..... but hey .... it's not funny, and i don't want to be invited on a hunting trip with dick, who is her father ....

and is probably the father of her implanted child as well .....

but it's not a topic of conversation and she tells us that same-sex couples make fine parents, and so let's not politicize it, okay?

jesus ..... i'm despondent .... i'm despondent about over 3,100 dead soldiers ..... i'm despondent about the 363 tons of cash that got shipped over to iraq and then disappeared .... i'm despondent that new orleans still isn't an issue, and they never got a fucking ton of cash, just a ton of shit ..... i can't believe that there's a debate about debating an illegal, immoral invasion and occupation; i can't believe that we still have assholes like john boner, minority leader, saying shit like "If you're not for victory in Iraq, you're for failure. The consequences of failure are immense. I think it destabilizes the entire Middle East, encourages Iran and on top of that, it's pretty clear that the terrorists will just follow us home." i can't believe these evil scumsuckers are still using this tired, flaccid, moribund evil rhetoric ..... i can't believe these fucksmokers are going yada yada yada about iran and nukular weppuns in maybe ten fucking years and north korea, thank you very much, has them right now .... but at least we've embargoed their champagne and giant screen plasma teevees and won't let 'em buy a humnmer, either ..... i can't believe we're having a trial for scooter "the neutered-cuter-pooter" libby, and karl rove's walking around ..... i can't fucking believe that the media is now in a tumescent frenzy about a fucking astronaut in diapers .... i can't believe that bush has a "new budget" with more money for the pentagon than ever before, and less money for education and health .... than ever before .... i can't believe that chevron had forty billion dollars in profit and doesn't have to pay taxes ..... i can't believe that bush is saying shit like he wants a "balanced budget" by 2012 which, we hope, is after he's out of office and the mess he's created is in someone else's lap ..... i can't believe the press, and that it still calls "the surge" a "new plan," or that they don't note it's not 21,500 more moving targets, it's 50,000 moving targets ......

i can't believe we've moved into a "faith based government," that we have faith this is a "new plan" and that fucking bush is telling us it's going to work "because it has to" and the military tells us it's going to work because they "believe it will because they can't believe what it'll be like if it doesn't" and somehow we have faith that everything's going to work out and we'll all hold hands and dance off into the sunset while roy rogers sings "happy trails to you" .......

i can't believe that we can even entertain the notion that anything this asshole and his gang of assholes presents is legitimate ..... how the fuck can we do this? these people have always been dishonest, corrupt, and meretricious; they have never told the truth, they wouldn't know the truth if it sidled up to them and started dry-humping their thighs, they wouldn't recognize the truth if it danced in front of them with neon lights flashing "THE TRUTH! THE TRUTH!" and i'm going to get a pony next christmas i really am i'm going to have me a pony .....

you can drop on by and feed him a lump of sugar .......

i'm sorry; i've got nothing funny to say because i can't see anything funny anywhere .... not even mary cheney, sucking off a great dane, while holding a hot dog in each hand, makes me smile; not even some psycho astronaut bitch in diapers, boldly going where no man has gone before, and holding an ak-47, is funny ..... it's pathetic ..... it's banal .... it's appalling ...... WHY AREN'T YOU RIOTING IN THE STREETS? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY? WHY DON'T YOU AAAARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH ....... AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE..... MOTHERFUUUUUUUUKKKKKERRRRRRRRR I CAN'T STAND IT ANY MORE I'M GOING TO ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA

next: karl rove, guest columnist