The New Math

did you hear me shrieking? when "scooter with the cuter pooter" got found guilty? i know he'll live up to his nickname, "scooter," when he's taking a shower in the facilities .... and one of those big, hairy new friends he's going to make says, "hey bitch ..... i dropped my soap .... now .... pick it up for me ....."

he's very contrite, too ..... he said to king george, "i'm so sorry ..... won't you pardon me?"

i'm thinking that his legal skills, the ones that cheney et al relied on, the legal skills he needed to leak classified information to gentlemen and scholars like that fine upstanding robert novak, will come in handy when he's in the slams, when other inmates come up to him and say, hey scooter, you little bitch ..... i want you to get me off .......

meanwhile, bush's dog barney ate the videotapes of jose padilla being interviewed, and that's why they can't be reviewed by any of those durned lib'ral groups who suspect that we might ..... gasp! actually mistreat a person whilst incarcerated .....

then i heard that the fbi had exceeded the letter and intent of the law in violating people's privacy and that they were just sneakin' 'n' peepin' away with no good cause and for no good reason .... other than to protect our freedoms, of course ..... wow! who would ever think that of the fbi? i mean, other than j. edgar hoover wearing pink tutus and dancing for his good friend clyde tolson, but .... i'm sure that they were manly dances .... well, i know the fbi has never wasted any of the taxpayers money and they've only gone after really threatening people like jean seberg and martin luther king and john lennon and probably you, too, so as long as you've got nothing to hide then they've got nothing to discover and your freedoms are secure because you won't be needing them where you're going .......

and hey, howzabout that surge! it's an example of how republicans can use the new math, which they've been using for some time now to demonstrate how fiscally responsible they are, by cutting taxes for the very wealthy and large donor corporations, and making the united states an impoverished third-world debtor nation, held in thrall to the chinese, while castigating democrats as "tax and spend democrats ....."

the fearless media is just starting to understand that the 21,500 troops, who really are a privatized army servicing chevron and exxon mobil's holdings, will actually be closer to 50,000, and that the ransom demanded .... i mean, the money budgeted, is close to six billion dollars short so george wants more money but remember, democratics, it's not money for an appalling and barbaric invasion and occupation, nor is it money for failed policies, nor is it even more money for more no-bid contracts to halliburton and kbr and bechtel ..... it's money for "the troops," so don't you dare withhold any money for "the troops," support "the troops" like our republicans who never served a day in the military do, because we wouldn't want their sacrifice to be in vain, the now 3,400 that have been slaughtered, or the ones who've made it home or the ones who made it to walter reed or other fine facilities that demonstrate how good our health care is, or how much this administration and its policies support the troops that support chevron and halliburton, even though the new math works here, too, because we've under-reported the dead and the wounded and the severely ass-fucked because you wouldn't really want to know how bad it really is, not really, and hey, i wonder how britney is and i haven't read about paris hilton for at least a day and i heard that some dog died saving a family and as for time the troops'll be in eeeee-rak?

well, pelosi, you bitch ..... that'll be however long cheney feels like it ..... you wouldn't want to waste our money by abandoning the nineteen permanent bases halliburton has constructed over there, would you? i mean, i'm sure they've done a fine job, like they've done everything else, and besides ..... we have the world's largest embassy in the green zone, which we can almost protect but not really, not quite, still under construction, the one with the shopping mall and swimming pool and bazooka proof ceiling .......

speaking of privatized trooops and having your own army to protect your oil revenues, i see that halliburton is moving their ceo over to dubai .... might as well get close up to where the action is, plus .... they don't have an extradition treaty, so he can just carry on business as usual with none of the niggling concerns he might have were he to stay in houston ...... probably the real reason is that the "legislation" the cheney regime jammed through iraq's "elected government," the legislation that virtually hands off all oil and mineral rights to the four big oil corporations, giving them pretty much complete control over another country's resources, is going to take effect, and that means bigger monopolies and bigger windfall profits and i notice that the price of gas has gone up again but it's summer and it always does and don't you think it's time to have our annual investigation of the oil companies, the investigations that always show them to be well-intentioned and squeaky clean?

meanwhile, it's time to play pat-a-cake with the taliban again because of yet another failed republican policy which was why republicans won't even think about people like osama yo mama and the taliban taliban come and tally me bananas, not when saddam's smokin' guns'd be a mushroom cloud ooops guess we were wrong about that but there's no culpability and there's no accountability and let's not fuck around we need enemies and if we don't have enough we're going to make 'em that's what we can manufacture now, we know how to make enemies although we can't make hershey's kisses any more or automobiles, we need to make enemies because if we didn't have enemies we couldn't go marching off to war and if we didn't go marching off to war how could we ever continue to funnel money into our military industrial complex?

which is doing very well, thank you very much, and so is the pentagon's budget .....

speaking of money well spent, did you know that columbia and afghanistan get more "aid" money than any other countries? afghanistan is having another bumper crop of opium, which can be turned into heroin, but only if you'd like to, and i'll bet you probably would .... while columbia, of course, is having yet another bumper crop of coca which, surprise! surprise! can be turned into cocaine, and cocaine can be turned into crack and sold to inner city dwellers to finance more illegal wars, but .... only if you want to .....

where did i read something about how eye-rak isn't a popular war any more, just like veet nam wasn't a pop'lar war, which means we've had popular wars and then i had to think, what wars might those be? because after the vietnam debacle america felt bad about itself, and what better way to feel better fast than invade some small defenseless country, full of little brown people, and whup the shit out of them because we're too fat to do sit-ups or crunches so we invaded panama and grenada and then of course there was the first gulf war with all its pin-up weaponry and america could get a boner again and now ........ and now ......

what's the point, dr. pete? what's the point?

the point is, we're not in business to go out of business, if you know what i mean ..... the war on drugs's been one of our most outstanding boondoggles for decades, and it's been a resounding success, hasn't it? why, you can hardly buy drugs in schools and prisons any more ...... and with that as a template, meaning do you remember reading your eighth grade history and you'd read about the thirty year war and the hundred year war and now the war on terrr'r is catching up, why we don't know how to do perpetual motion but we sure know how to do perpetual war .......

excuse me .....

i wonder if that's the fbi, knocking at my door?

maybe they've come to babysit .....

next: dr. pete does sit-ups